Wife in Love with Her Old Roommate?

by C.
(Little Rock, AR)

I have learned that my wife's old roommate has found her online. They were very good friends that lived and worked together. I read their emails and the two of them were secretly in love with each other many years ago. She says she loves me but she posted a message to him saying, "Can you take me back in time 15 years?" She admitted to me that she wants to have sex with him but it's only physical. We have been trying to work through this. She told me today that it's not worth it to be with him but they have talked about being soul mates. What should I do? We have been married for 8 years with a 4 year old son. I want her to be happy and be with the person she truly feels she belongs with. I've told her this. She's confused but has been very honest about these feelings she has. Any suggestions on how to deal with this issue?

Ben's Answer:

If you and your wife are having a monogamous relationship and you want to make it work, then the only thing to do is for both of you to work sincerely together on your intimacy - on all levels. That might be best done in marital therapy, at least to start with.

It's very common - especially today with Facebook and other social networking sites - to reconnect with old lovers. It's very easy to fantasize about going back in time and reigniting old passions. And sometimes it actually happens. Other times it's just an unrealistic desire to get back something that you've left behind and is no longer in your best interest. Either way, if the desire is there, then something is lacking at home - and that is where you both need to focus if you want to try to make it work. You both have to stay honest with each other and with yourselves.

If she really believes this man is her soul mate, then it's more than just the "physical" attraction that she's saying she feels.

If she has someone waiting in the wings, it may be very hard to devote the attention needed to improve your relationship. If you put in the time and effort and commitment to make your relationship more satisfying (no small task with a 4 year old at home), and you finally both decide that it's not the relationship you both want - then maybe time to let go and move on. But you can't work on things at home, if you feel like you're in competition with another man.

What serves the Highest good in yourself, serves the Highest good in All. If you can trust that viewpoint and live by it, then nobody really loses in the end.

Take Care,

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