Why do I get angry at guys who express any interest in me romantically?

I'm 19 years old. I've never dated anyone. Ive been asked out before and by people I like, but as soon as they express interest in me I get angry. I want a romantic relationship. I've gone on a couple dates and the guys have been decent and I liked them but after the date I will cut off all communication. I will have a crush on someone for a long time but if they try to start any kind of relationship I begin to hate them. I don't know why I do this. How can I fix this? I want to be a normal girl. I want a boyfriend. I can't figure out why I behave this way, but I feel that I am really missing out on my youth.

Ben's Answer:

The fact that you are asking this question, means you are getting closer to the answer, so that's good. The obvious place to start is exploring your own emotions. If anger comes up when someone shows any real interest in you, then anger is the doorway you need to go through.

We all have unconscious fears - fears that are not felt, and are not visible, yet they influence our reactions and our behaviors. One of the most common fears is fear of intimacy (both emotional and sexual intimacy).

Anger is a secondary emotion. When anger comes up, it always means there are other feelings under it. Anger is most often a defense against feeling scared, vulnerable, ashamed or small. We usually get angry to feel powerful and in control. What do you imagine you would be feeling if the anger wasn't there?

Ask yourself when was the first time you remember feeling anger or hatred towards someone close to you. That's often where it's rooted. If you have past hurts, losses, abandonment, betrayal or broken relationships in your family or personal life, then there may be some work to do to release those things in order to clear the way to trusting guys that like you.

Therapy can be a huge help. Coaching can be too. EFT Tapping and meditation can be great tools for becoming aware of your subconscious blocks and releasing these emotional triggers. I would also recommend journaling, to work on your self-awareness and explore your feelings.

Trust yourself.

- Ben Schwarcz

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