What to do?

by Traci
(FortWayne IN, USA)

I am 28 and I have been dating a man from Russia that is 22. We are going to have a baby in 3weeks and he has recently changed completley. I found out he was seeing a couple girls from his work and had stayed the night and met ones family. He still has not met my parents! We have been together almost living together pretty much for a year and a half. He was always telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.

I was married before when I was eighteen and i have two other children. My husband also left me when i was pregnant with our second child and cheated and beat me repeadedly. i was young and thought i should try to stay with him.

i just want to know How this could happen again? this guy was polite and caring. i never knew he was feeling like he wanted to be without me. Do I have a pattern of picking bad men or Do i do something to make them want to leave me and cheat at the worst times? Is it because he is young and hasnt been with alot of women or because i got heavy with the baby?

I feel very hurt and used. Why do guys do this? Did he ever Love me? Will he come back and just needs some time? Should i forget him? He now wants me also to give the baby up for adoption. How can a man's emotions and feelings for you change so quickly as soon as they see someone they want to sleep with. Why does he want to be with other girls now when he didnt before? Is it me or them? I feel empty inside and still want to be a good mom but I don't want him to leave us either.

Ben's Answer:

We always tend to end up in repeating patterns in life - especially when it comes to relationships. We are drawn to the same kinds of partners, and the same kinds of partners are drawn to us. Like magnets. It's an unconscious process. No woman intentionally chooses to be with an abusive man. And they usually seem so polite and charming at first. But abusive men can spot a potential victim a mile a way. And if you've been abused in the past - unless you really and truly resolve those traumas in a therapeutic way - you will probably always be attracted to the one guy out of 100, who is going to turn out to be an abuser, or a womanizer, who whatever the case may be - as soon as the honeymoon is over.

Don't blame yourself - don't blame your pregnancy, or your weight, or anything else. This kind of guy is an accident waiting to happen. They can't be any other way. And he'll probably go on using other women the same way he used you.

Your first and most important thing to do, should be to get the right therapy and healing to resolve any and all past traumas that you've suffered. Once you've allowed yourself to be beaten - especially when it's happened more than once with the same guy - something get's damaged in your psyche - your energetic boundary has been broken and you lose your normal instinctive radar for men like this. Instead of running from them, you'll run right to them - all the while thinking that you're making a safe choice.

I've seen other women eventually find a great guy who treats them with absolute respect, and then sometimes they (the woman) explodes into a dissociative rage, accusing the guy of wrong doing, and maybe even hitting or verbally abusing him (in an unconscious attempt to get him to become abusive, just like the men of her past). This is usually not done intentionally, but it's a projection of the past onto the present and it's a sign of unresolved past trauma.

Choosing men who abandon you, is the same sort of thing as choosing men who abuse you; It's a pattern and it's unconscious. Heal your past traumas and you will free yourself from this pattern and recover your intuition about the people that you choose to allow into your life.

EFT/Meridian Tapping is one of the best ways available to resolve these patterns and past abuse traumas at the core of the issue.

You deserve to have a relationship with a kind, compassionate, committed partner. Don't accept anything less.

I wish you the best!

Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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