What should i do about my baby's abusive father?

by Kirstin

I just got out of an almost 4 year relationship. i was with him since i was 14 and im 18 now. we are the same age. i got pregnant when i was 16 and had our daughter at 17. he cheated on me multiple times, was always lying to me, and even put his hands on me a number of times. So i decided to end it about a month ago after he got out of the hospital (psych unit) for trying to blow up his house with both of us in it after one of the worst fights weve ever had. we started out really good then he cheated in the beginning but then everything got better again. i feel like our relationship was good until i got pregnant. we had a lot of fun, we enjoyed being around each other, and we were really happy. The abuse didnt really start until after i gave birth. We started taking breaks and he would go and sleep with other people, usually within a day or two after. Only one girl wasn't a friend of mine, and two girls were my best friends. I was really insecure, hurt, and a lot of the time i wasnt happy due to all the fighting and lying. The fights were always about him lying, cheating, being abusive, his drinking, not being there for our daughter, and not helping out. He isn't here for his daughter and he doesn't help out now. He's never financially helped but when we were together he at least saw her on a regular basis because he lived with me. Now he might see her maybe a couple times a month only because his mom takes her. Our daughter was recently sick and i took her to the hospital, he didn't even show up, and didn't ask if she was okay until 3 hours later when we were leaving the ER. He was supposed to get her on Easter and the two days after, and bailed last minute to run off with his girlfriend (my ex best friend).

All i want is for him to get his act together, be a good dad, and fix this relationship so we can be a happy family. It's not fair that I'm raising our kid by myself. i realized i cant make him be good to me, be a good dad, or grow up. He's just not ready for the responsibility or the commitment. I've always been here for him, never did him wrong, and i tried to help him get better, but i cant help someone that doesn't want help. I'm not saying I'm perfect because im not even close, i have a lot of issues too. I've been repeatedly raped and molested, I've had problems with cutting and overdosing, my parents weren't there for me growing up, and I suffer from severe depression and drastic mood swings due to a hormonal imbalance.

I love this guy with all my heart and i just can't see myself with anyone else.

My head says to let go, but my heart wont let me. The connection i have with him is so deep it just wont go away. I just want to go back to better days. I want to be a functional family. And as long as i feel this way about him i wont be able to get serious with someone else.

I'm just hoping one day he can get it together and we can work it out somewhere down the road, it just wont happen anytime soon if at all and i know that.

So i wanna know should i tell him how i feel or just keep it to myself?

Should i wait around hoping one day we can wipe the slate clean and start over?
Or should i just let go of the only person i want to spend my life with?

Ben's Answer:

I think you've mostly answered your own questions. This guy is a waste of your time. Your heart is deceiving you. He's mistreated you, been unfaithful, even with your "best friends." He's shown no care or regard for his own daughter, and can't even pretend to care about her out of respect for you. And he tried to blow up the house with you in it!! If he want to kill himself, that's his business, but putting your life in danger?

Maybe he's actually a decent person, and has some serious psychiatric issues. Maybe he's horribly immature. Doesn't matter; the fact is, this is who he is right now. You can't make him change, and he may never change. Don't waste your life for him. You sound like an intelligent girl. You do deserve a functional, loving family. Don't wait for anyone. I've seen people spend their lives waiting for their partner to "see the light." You are the most important thing to consider; You and your daughter. Don't sacrifice your own happiness.

We are always deeply affected by our first significant relationship. Four years is a long time for anyone; You were only 14 when you started this relationship. It's hard to let go of a relationship that lasted through your teenage years. But you can do it.

You said you were molested and raped. You need to deal with that trauma if you ever want to see clearly, and be able to find a good relationship with a good guy, who will treat you with love and real respect. Until you deal with that and truly resolve it, you will have a tendency to be drawn to hurtful or abusive guys (and it will feel like it's your "heart" that's talking). We recreate our abusive relationships again and again until we resolve it in ourselves. Then everything changes for the better.

It sounds like you have a long history of trauma. That is the thing to work on. Depression will likely resolve itself when you resolve your traumas. Meridian Tapping/EFT and meditation are two of the absolute best ways that you can start to clear your past. Psychotherapy would be an excellent idea too. You have no idea how much better things can get. Think big.

Wishing you peace and happiness,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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