What is This?

by Drew
(Springfield Oregon )

I have been diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder. I was a person who was raised Christian until i started thinking logically - that was around age of 15 - so i stopped going, became anti religion. I was a very antisocial. i had alot of anger, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts, tried to end my life so many times i lost count, multiple stays at the psych ward where i was more comfortable in there than i was on the outside. Tried suicide by cop twice. You would think they wouldn't miss out on an opportunity to kill a black man.

I had 3 kids, all girls, then 5 days after my third daughter was born i had a spiritual awakening. The doctor's call it psychosis but what i felt was unlike anything... like a mother's love. I was sitting on my bed playing xbox talking to my brother online and i have this warm feeling come down from the top of my head. I immediately started to cry but i was saddened. Then i started to hear a voice telling me all these positive things like I'm the one the voice was also telling everything i had gone through was for a reason, and that i will be rewarded. I was hearing a woman's voice - one that was unusual for me to hear because my usual psychosis was always 3 voices but this time - who ever was in that room - i could hear what i thought was there consciousness, but they told me not to talk out loud because you won't make any sense, but i couldn't help it myself whatever the voice told me to do i did with out hesitation... it told me to get a lottery ticket and to make sure it has the number 667 but don't pick the number at the time... didn't make any sense but i went to the gas station got the ticket and sure enough it has 667 in it. I realized that my 1st daughter was born 6/06/07 my second was born on march 6 and my third daughter was born on September 7. That tripped me out.

During all this time i felt genuine love from the world. I saw the good in people i wanted peace, no anger, I stopped drinking, and smoking weed which i would never do, and i stopped cigarettes all in one day. I was giving my money away going to church which i hadn't done since i was 15, but i was speaking to people telling my story which i would never do. I had Kanye West confidence. I had vivid dreams, then heard the voice when i was sleeping like someone was whispering in my ear. It told me - do not second guess him - it lead you on a righteous path that to me is like i need to listen to my consciousness which i never have done. So that's what i began to do. If the voice told me I'm going to meet someone new your not going to know who it is until you know and would meet random people - tell them how are doing and everything's going to be okay, and god is going to take care of it, it would always be something positive and uplifting and always about god and one thing is all the people either believed in god or a higher power and had someone close to them die, but i never even noticed that i wasn't sleeping - maybe 3 hours. And this went on for 2 months and at the the end off all this i begin to get deeper into this thing to the point i thought i was a prophet i even thought i was Jesus at the very end. My family thought that i lost it completely but i didn't want to go to the hospital because i know they don't do anything but give you pills and work on coping skills, so i started to smoke weed again and i slowly came back in that 2 months... lost 3 jobs, ended up pretty much had a weird awkward relationship with all my family members. So when go thru all this it leaves you depressed so sad and disappointed because for once if your life you were who you always wanted to be happy there's so much to my life i just can't put it in words ya probably wouldn't believe me even if i told you.

Ben's Response:

Thanks for sharing your story. I think a lot of people would relate to your experience. It sounds like having this experience of mania really opened you up to parts of yourself that you had been yearning for and your spiritual connection became very conscious in you during that time. When people end up back in depression after such an experience, it can be especially painful because of the loss of all those amazing blissful, loving feelings.
It's been my observation, that one of the most common reasons for getting unstable again, or falling into a depression, is the use of weed and alcohol.


I hope you wont give up and will continue to strive to be the person that you know you want to be.

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