(Orangeville Ontario Canada)
Basically I have been very attracted to and loving towards girls my whole life. At school I get erections like crazy for them. One night I was looking for the usually soft core porn on TV. I try to find lesbian stuff because the dude always gets in the way. But I stumbled upon I movie scene where I figured two guys where gay, I admit I am not very comfortable watching gay stuff, but I have scene it many times before, so I decided as a curious person to see what would happen. I don't know why but this feeling of terror came upon me, because I was afraid they were going to kiss. While I was in terror I became more turned on then I have ever been. I don't know why, I was turned on, I was feeling this intense terror all over me. This caused me to become extremely depressed because it made me realize I could be gay, but the experience was so horrible, I was even thinking of castration so it would never happen again. After I couldn't handle wondering if i am gay or not I tried to see if I enjoyed actual gay porn. If I try to enjoy it, I do not become turned on one bit. I have no joy or very little sexual attraction to homosexual activity. This has made me so confused because why was I so turned on while so scared. I can compare it to a panic attack feeling. After the one time this occurred, it has happen a couple times in my dreams, but there is no sexual activity. In my dream I feel a sense of terror of homosexual activity, and there isn't even any. It is just a feeling of terror while becoming extremely turned on. My usual romance dream usually include me doing something with a girl, and it is very enjoyable. But these nightmares are extremely scary, and invading. If I were to be raped, I guess this is what it would feel like. I am 16, male. I want to say that it could be anxiety, that can cause me to be so turned on. I read it could happen to males. So is this a sexuality or is my body responding abnormally.
We are all far more complex when it comes to sexuality, than we think. Many people actually feel some degree of attraction to both sexes, yet choose to identify as heterosexual and never explore their same sex attractions. Someone who identifies with, and feels authentic in their same-sex attractions, and feels no attraction to the opposite sex, might consider themselves to be homosexual - and in this case it is not by "choice." Most people know this from a very early age.
Sometimes when we are repulsed by our own attractions because we think they are abnormal, we actually repress something that is normal. By accepting these feelings, you will not make yourself gay. You don't have to act on these feelings - it's enough just to be conscious of them and not judge yourself.
You would be amazed how many masculine, average, heterosexual guys go through a period in their teens or twenties when they become aware of an attraction to another guy. This often causes a great deal of fear, confusion, and uncertainty about their sexual identity, but it usually passes and is ultimately a way of expanding your own understanding of yourself.
Your feelings of anxiety and panic are probably signals that you are afraid of your own thought and feelings. If you become more accepting of your own thoughts, without suppressing them, you will find that the anxiety decreases. Any thought or feeling that we suppress or judge, or fear, will cause us anxiety and even panic. Don't take your thoughts so seriously. You're not abnormal, or alone.
Go easy on yourself.
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