My bf and I have been together for five years. For me its been a hot and cold relationship for the past 3 years. We have our months of fighting and not getting along, then we'll have a great week or two. I do have a full time job, and he doesn't have a job and is not going to school. Every weekend i go to his house to spend time with him. Yet every time he wants to go and buy weed. He doesn't take me out ANYWHERE! He has this anxiety problem with too many people... So i say lets go to the movies, or to dinner.. And he just doesn't want to. i try to be understanding but i dont know what to do.. He always puts it off.. he is the most hard headed person i have ever come across.. if its not his way the it's not going to happen.. I am an outgoing person. I do like to go dancing with my girlfriends.. but i am in no way a cluber that has to go out every weekend.. and he can't stand it when i go out.

The more recent thing was not a fight but we were talking and i think each person knows what they can be capable of in life. I may not be super smart and i did finish school late.. But i did tell him that my dream would be to work in the ER. I know its crazy and i have worked at a hospital before.. and he just told me that he thinks i couldn't do it.. and i really didnt care about what he said. I know it's not about what others think, its about how you think of your self. but the fact that it was coming from the man that i have been with for 5 years and we have talked about getting married and kids with, beyond hurt me.. Its been 4 days now and i still cant talk to him with out fighting.. i dont see him the same anymore.. he says that i took it the wrong way.. but i just cant get over it..

I know guys don't care sometimes or just dont think about what they say before saying it..
what should i do??

Ben's Answer:

I'm having a hard time understanding why you're with this guy. He doesn't work, doesn't go to school, isn't furthering his life in any way; He's dependent on pot to cope with his life; He's not interested in the things you like to do, and doesn't want to go out with you, even for dinner. And he puts you down and discourages you from following your dreams. What does that add up to? And why would you want this guy to be the father of your children? If he's having a hard time getting a life now as a single guy, it's going to be 100 times harder for him to be a responsible father to your kids.

Follow you gut instinct. If your shocked and hurt that he is so unsupportive of your ambitions in life - listen to that! Those feelings are telling you to reject was he's telling you.

If a guy who has nothing going on tells you what you can't do -- don't listen to him. And if a guy who is more successful in life tells you what you can't do - DON'T LISTEN to him either!

Do what you want to do to better yourself and be happy and don't waste your time on guys that are just going to erode your self-esteem and hold you back from life. You're worth more than that.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT

Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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