by Lisa
(New York)
It has been about 9 months since I found out there was "another woman" in my husband and my relationship (we have been married for nearly 12 years). While my husband denies any sexual relationship, he did frequently go out to bars with her, and even traveled with her, taking her to dinner with his work colleagues and staying overnight in a hotel with her. (He travels a lot for work, which put an additional strain on the marriage). He initially denied everything, but when I confronted him with what I knew (work people eventually told me, though my instinct "told" me long before). We went through the usual anger, tears and accusations, he told me he loved me but wasn't "in love with me" and so on.
Anyways, we decided to make it work. He cut off all communication with her. He is being kind, buys me flowers and we are having sex again. He has apologised for what happened, was patient with my initial distrust as he travelled again and has promised he will never do anything like this again. I really want this to work, I love him and believe marriage can survive if we are mature and work it. The trouble is, I am having nightmares now about him cheating on me again. In my dreams I am angry, I sometimes hit him, I demand full disclosure and he admits this has been going on for years. Sometime in my dreams he is totally heartless and doesn't care, and we break up. In waking life I do suspect he has been in someway unfaithful before, but he denies it. I know dwelling on problems won't fix them, and I don't want to ruin our chances of happiness by rehashing this over and over. But I guess I feel I am the one who shoulders most of the the burden of recovery; he seems, now he is forgiven, that the past is the past and we should move on. I know he dislikes emotional confrontation, despite being a strong leader in other areas of his life. In addition, one of the people who told me details has also been cheated on by her partner who my husband