Part 2: The Experience of Life as Unreal
So I began walking back down the pier--and this is where it could've gotten really dangerous. A boy about my age began talking to me (and of course, it had to be right next to a sign that said "the end of the road" that the pier has.. HAH), and I thought he was the one who'd take me away from this "dream," which was beginning to feel like I nightmare I couldn't wake up from. So he linked arms with me and we walked onto the sand. It turns out he obviously was just trying to hit on me as he tried to kiss me & that's when I stopped myself and started getting really confused. Everything still felt like a dream, and he asked me if I wanted to go to his house. At this point, I thought that I had already "died" after the caricature and that going to his house would lead me to the next level, so I walked 3 blocks up to his house. I remember on the sidewalk seeing a piece of paper on the ground that was a letter that said "Welcome to Los Angeles." That was the start of me
thinking something wasn't right. I also remember him asking me where I wanted to go, and I said "to be with God," and he laughed.
Once I was in his apartment & the door was closed, I started to question what was happening (though of course, he had to have named his room "Vegan World" for some odd reason and he had posters of nature, which I love so that still kept me confused for a while). I asked to go on his computer & when I logged onto Facebook to see if everything was still there, that's when I realized I needed major help & I used his phone to call my stepmom, who of course came to pick me up on the corner. While waiting on the corner, I asked him if a lot of people were watching me get my caricature drawn & he said, not really but that he was (clearly). I also asked what the artist looked like & he said he had long hair. But the interesting thing is the man I saw who was all in white had short hair. Once my stepmom got me, we drove back to the
park where I'd left my stuff & miraculously all my bags were still on the bench after an hour...which to this day, I still find shocking that they hadn't been stolen...especially for a public park in Santa Monica.
The next day, I was taken to the UCLA Emergency Room by my stepmom. I willingly went, because I still thought that it was all part of some plan & that I'd get to go be on another spiritual plane with my friend. (the one who I mentioned caused me immense heartbreak that I no longer talked to anymore). In the hospital, I was talking fast (racing thoughts) all about what I'd been realizing & the importance of volition/willingness, etc. I also was singing different songs that seemed relevant because I thought that
would be what the 1st man on the bus wanted me to do after mentioning the throat chakra. I remember crying when I'd see one of the patients arguing with a nurse, and telling my stepmom that I felt her emotions, but at the same time I felt happy because I knew their pain wasn't truly "real." I ultimately was checked into the psych ward that night and willingly did so because--as I told the doctors--I was "honoring
my father and mother" and
wanted to help other people learn who they really were. I remember every detail of that night...which ultimately ended in me sobbing about the sun & how we were harming the environment. That was at about 2:30 in the morning, and after refusing meds, I finally agreed to take something that they told me was natural.
After that, I apparently was moved into the ICU part of the psych ward the next morning, though I don't remember anything about the next seven days I spent there. The only thing I remember was getting to eat a "Gandhi Bowl" from Native Foods that my stepmom brought me. From what my parents tell me, the whole time I was talking about God and the spiritual & reading quotes from the Bible, rambling about Ram Dass & George Harrison, etc. I also apparently refused to eat the hospital food, except for the tomatoes & fresh
fruits. I also refused to take the medications they kept telling me I needed because they weren't natural, and from what I hear, it wasn't until my stepmom told me that God created the people who made the meds to help people who needed them/God was in the meds, that I finally caved/took them.
In the hospital, I still felt a deeper knowing/love for all & thought my being there was all part of a grander plan that would be revealed to me. I continued to think I was going to be able to "wake people up" even after being released from the hospital (I was there for almost 2 weeks, by the way) because I didn't believe that I would've gone through all that for no reason. In fact, even when I was on all the meds, I continued to think that for weeks. So, I was still happy and acted similarly to how I'd been acting
in the hospital (just less "manic"). It wasn't until about a month had gone by that I finally realized nothing was happening, and I began to feel extremely depressed and confused about everything that had happened to me. Here is an excerpt from something I'd written after the fact when I was trying to make sense of it all:
"I'd become a firm believer in the gift of the present moment and living life so fully that every single moment is seen as precious. But ironically, all that changed in the hospital and though I was emotionally erratic, I was never sad. I was never scared. I knew God was cradling me along the path and that all would be fine. But I'll admit that after coming home from the two-weeks in the hospital prescribed with medication for something I felt deep in my soul I don't have, I felt so lost. And I kept waiting for something to happen & that?s when I later thought that I'd win (the
lottery) in another way by leaving my journals for people and getting to go be with my friend or something. "
Ever since I realized that nothing was going to "happen" to me, I'd been very depressed because I felt like there was something deeper that had happened to me & I hated the way the meds made me feel. For months I'd felt like I had no sense of self...as though I'd come to realize such deep truths, but that I was being "punished" for it in a sense. Now, after finding your website & getting back in touch with my spirituality, I'm feeling back to myself & find hope in the fact that things like the EMpower