nude photos of ex wife

by Allie
(Dripping Springs, TX, USA)

I am 46, my boyfriend is 59 and we live together. He moved in with me about 4 years ago. A few months ago, I found some pictures of his ex wife. They are sexual/nude photos. They were married for over 30 yrs.

She had a stroke at 32. Fortunately, she is still very beautiful and has all her faculties. She does have one arm and one leg which were seriously affected but is able to walk drive etc. She is independent - as in driving, caring for herself etc.

My boyfriend wants to mail the pictures to her. If they were not sexual/nude photos, mailing them to her would seem completely appropriate to me.

Sending/Receiving sexual/nude photos from an ex seems creepy to me no matter what circumstance I try to imagine.

What do you think?

Ben's Answser:

I can see your point. I understand he probably wants to do the most respectful thing for his former wife, and hopefully for you as well. If you have a good relationship, then this "creepy" feeling you have about him sending those picture back to her, may just be the price you have to pay to allow him to close the door on his past relationship.

On the other hand, maybe his ex doesn't even care about those photos, and he should just throw them out. (He could just ask her first couldn't he?)
They've been out of her possession for years already. Whose loss would it be? Maybe it's really your husband's attachment that is the main issue. After 30 years of marriage, it's understandable that he doesn't want to be disrespectful by throwing away photos of her - but this might be something that he simply needs to let go of.

There's no right or wrong here. But I think you should be open with him about your feelings and he should take that into account.

Best wishes,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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Apr 12, 2010
by: Anonymous

The photos are his property and he should either destroy them, send them back, or keep them. If he destroys them he should tell her and reasure her they are not out there floating around. If he wants to send them back he should have that conversation with her and explain his position is out of respect for the sensitivity of the photos, the situation, and out of great respect for her and her wishes.

Mar 27, 2010
nude photos same as clothed photos??
by: Anonymous

Just asking, Ben. Seems like a big difference.

Family pics and pics of your past are part of your life in an ongoing way...........naked pics or sexual pics seem way to charged to be giving to an ex......
am I wrong?

Ben's Answer:

What a charged subject this is! If a man and woman are married for 30 years and they have a good healthy relationship, and they've got a few naked photos of one another...does that make them x-rated? I don't know. Maybe these are. Or maybe they're "artistic shots." The only important thing here really, is the relationship between this man, and his current wife. They should do what makes sense for both of them. Trashing the photos would be the simplest thing. But it's not really for anyone outside their relationship to judge or decide. Maybe I'm not getting the whole story, but I thought the photos were of her, not himself.

For some relationships this whole thing would be completely taboo and inappropriate. For others, it would be trivial and no big deal. There may be lots of strong opinions here, but it's really about the couple and their own boundaries and trust.

Mar 26, 2010
send them back?
by: Anonymous

Sending nude photos to an ex is wrong period.

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