not sure...being watched?
I'm not sure what is wrong with me maybe schizophrenia I don't know. I didn't realise there was anything wrong with what happens until I told my partner about it... I just feel like I'm always being watched and judged by something that is in my head, and I feel that I am being put through tests to see if I am weak and if i fail they will kill me. I always fear that they're going to get me but i'm not quite sure who they are... I'm to scared to sleep alone at night or be by myself because to them I will be vulnerable and I see and hear things. its as if my brain is making me see scary images and i tell myself if i think of them that i will be scared but still i see them. I'm not sure whats going on, I find it hard to be around people and I cant talk to them, I'm always feeling down and I just wanna run away but I can't. Some nights I will have episodes where i will hate everyone and i want to be alone and do whatever i want, then i wake up in the morning and i don't remember it... its as if its a completely different person, thats probably why i have a shocking memory.. I have no self confidence and I never have any energy... because I find it hard to be around people my partner is my only friend, its sucks but then again i dont want them because im uncomfortable around them. anyway... i need help
What you are describing is definiely "paranoia" - which of course, by its very nature is terrifying. When in this state
it becomes very difficult, if not impossible, to know whether your fears are based on verifyable/consensus reality, or purely a product of your own mind. Schizophrenia is one illness that is associated with those kinds of symptoms, but is not the only diagnosis related to paranoia. What's more, a person can develop paranoid thinking even if they don't have a psychotic disorder (also called a "thought disorder") such as schizophrenia. The manic phase of bipolar disorder can, for some people, involve psychotic/delusional thinking of a paranoid nature.
Often, paranoia is rooted in a deep and unresolved fear, guilt or shame that is repressed and unconscious. This can relate to an emotional trauma. While there are those in the mainstream medical profession who will insist that those disorder are 100% biochemical (neurological) disorders, there is still no medical test that will show any difference between a schizophrenic or bipolar brain and anyone else's brain.
I don't believe any mental "disorder" is 100% biochemical/physical, but brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) do play a key role in our perceptions, our emotions, our ability to think clearly, problem solve, etc.
I believe it is always important to rule out the most serious physical causes - such as thyroid conditions and brain tumors before doing anything further.
Then I would talk to a good therapist and get their input on what's going on with you. Together you could decide whether to see a psychiatrist for psych medication. It's a big decision, and not the right one for everyone, but for some, it helps. There are also alternatives, such as truehope, to consider (www.truehope.com). Mineral dificiencies can cause all sorts of brain issues and this supplement has been extremely effective for many.
One thing at a time.
Ben Schwarcz, MFT