my therapist asked if i fancied him

by lola rose
(england)

I am not sure if my t was trying to illicit a transference but one day in therapy he came out and asked if i fancied him. A couple of months later after he made a pass at me. He came over to my chair and bent down on his two knees so close that i caught him by his two arms and had to push him away. I asked him just what had just happened and he became all nasty to me and saying why was i so shocked he had done it. I was completely shocked and left.

Fast forward a month later i decided to go back and confront him as i was really annoyed with him. He then started getting phone calls during our appointments which he always let me hear they were from non clients i told him if he kept doing that i would leave. He also kept asking if i was seeing anybody and then saying he didn't care who i was seeing it didn't matter to him. So why ask i told him it wasn't relevant and he answered by saying it was his business but he knew i didn't like to talk about sex. I was shocked by this when i didn't bring up the subject of sex to him. I asked him what was going on with him and why he was trying to hurt me all the time. He said he really worried about me and told his supervisor this. When I was leaving that day I was really upset with him. As I was going out the door he shook my hand looked deep in my eyes and said "see you honey."

He knows I am so shy and find it hard to reciprocate flirting with any man. It is like he is trying to provoke my attention and tries to test me. I told him I had been on a dating site and he asked which one. He said he had a male friend on a dating site who was getting loads of dates, and acted all haughty. Something told me it was himself he was talking about. I did get viewed online and got some strange messages from men that I just blocked. I guess i am so confused by him i told him that i found him attractive but i would never lay a hand on him and that knowing he is married i would never disrespect him. It almost feels like he got annoyed with me for no reason and began lashing out at me by calling between appts and changing appointments, then calling again saying he was sorry and that he would always see me. I am wondering what is going on with him and is he just playing with me or annoyed that i wont be drawn into his games. He is forever trying to flirt with me but he knows i wont give him a reaction. Am I right in thinking there is something unresolved going on here. I would like your thoughts on what he is trying to do.

Ben's Answer:

What you are describing is a clear abuse of the therapist-client relationship. A therapist that does these things is using you, and this is not therapy. Your therapist is not there to play head games with you, not there to vent his own feelings or frustrations for his own benefit, not there to judge you, and definitely should not be flirting, invading your physical space, making sexual comments, or testing you. You should not have to interpret your therapist's behavior. What you have described is seriously unethical behavior. You may want to consider filing a complaint with his licensing board. I don't recommend that you continue subjecting yourself to this, as it is very damaging to your own psyche.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz