My life, i dont understand ?

by jasmin
(mcallen tx usa )

well im 16 years old. this is difficult for me too say. i have never told my feeling to anyone. i try to keep them to my self i think that they will laugh at me if i told anyone. i dont know how to start, but well im 16 years old and i feel that nobody loves me, i feel that i dont deserve to live. well in my family there have been many troubles like the fact that my mom and dad never were together and when they were my dad would talk bad about my mom. he would say that she is a bitch and a lot of more ugly stuff. and since today i am bigger to understand better the problems i dont know what to do. when my dad talks to me he starts talking about my mom and tells her stuff like that she is ugly, fat,a slut, that she only plays with us. but i know that that's not true. i tell him that he is wrong and then he starts telling me stuff like that im not his daughter and that im ugly, fat and well i get soo sad and feel like hiding and never come out, but i never show it instead i tell him stuff and then hang up. i feel like I want to die or disappear.
Also i feel that im not attractive that guys see me and they laugh at me because im ugly. i have been called names because of my weight and i feel that nobody will love me. and that i wasnt meant to be with someone. There is one guy i love soo much but i have never talked to him. he has seen me but never talks. i would do anything to be with him at least one minute. but i think reality, and fall back to the ground. but his girlfriend is having a baby and he is soo happy with her. i feel like trash like nothing. i have never been loved by anyone nobody would wana go out with an ugly girl a loner who doesn't have friends only the imaginary ones i make in school when talking to my sisters. i wish i was never born. i don't know why god brought me here, did i did something wrong to deserve this, does he not love me. i feel soo awful, soo lonely, soo nothing. i dont know what to do, sometimes i think that everyone would be better if i would disappeared or leave this world. please i need someone to explain this to me.

Ben's Answer:

Jasmine - first of all, self-esteem has nothing to do with how you look. People of all shapes and sizes can be confident, social and happy. Your negative self-image and low opinion of yourself is directly related to the horrible ways your father treats you and your mother. When you grow up watching your mother be disrespected and verbally abused by the man who is supposed to be your father, your protector and your hero, it is crushing to your positive self image. As a girl you naturally identify with your mother and you see how she's treated. And your father puts you down and calls you names. How could you feel otherwise? Good for you for at least trying to stand up to him. You need to reject every bit of abuse that's thrown at you. A parent who treats their own child that way is truly sick. No sane parent would ever be so cruel to their own child. It has nothing to do with you. It's his fault.

When you're going through this kind of pain it is very hard to see any hope or any meaning in life. It's only when you survive it and look back that you see the ways that you became a stronger, wiser , more compassionate human being because of the suffering you endured.

Kids can be really mean. Believe me, it's not just you that has to put up with name calling and bullying from other kids. You can't let them tear you down.

You have to love yourself more than anyone else.

That boy you're so in love with. Do you really think he's going to stick around for his girlfriend and her baby? Chances are very slim. And do you think they'll be a happy family with a white picket fence? Very unlikely. Kids born to teen parents usually end up struggling in many of the ways that you're struggling -- if not worse. Raising a child is the hardest thing you'll ever do. If you don't learn to love yourself first, your child won't learn to love herself either. This is the way pain is handed down through families.

Your future is an open book. You can write it anyway you want. You can't change the present moment. Right now - this moment, all you can do is take a deep breath and accept where you are. But from this moment forward you can do whatever you set your mind to, if you refuse to give up.

Don't give up on your life before it's even started. I know many happy people who had absolutely terrible, abusive childhoods. It's possible. Decide what you want, and don't accept anything less. Focus on the future you want and don't sell yourself short. Think big. It only takes one person in your life that can show you a little caring to help you restore your hope. There is someone out there for everyone. No exceptions.

If you want to start to make things better, stop calling yourself "ugly" and putting yourself down . If you abuse yourself verbally the way your father has done to you, you're just taking over for him and harming yourself.

If you ever have thoughts of suicide or just need to talk to a friendly voice any time 24/7, you can call a hotline, just to talk. This page lists a whole bunch of free hotlines.

Wishing you Happiness,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist