My husband just told me he has been sexting and emailing pictures of himself to someone

by D
(Billings, MT)

We will be married this 21st of June for 17 years and my husband just told me 2 days ago he has been sexting and emailing pictures of himself to someone. He says he loves me and would die if he hurt me or our 2 children. He also told me there has been no "physical" cheating it has all been online or texting.

I am trying to be positive and I want to repair and move forward in our marriage. However I feel sick to my stomach and completely unattractive and unwanted. This morning we had an argument at work and he keeps bringing up how I am treating him and have been treating him and nothing changes. I am beginning to realize that deep down I suspected something had been going on, and that is why I would not treat him very well, and now that it has been validated I do not know what to do. He says he will not be treated like this anymore but what about what has been done to me and our marriage?

Ben's Answer:

I understand the feelings of hurt and betrayal and that you are feeling unwanted and unattractive. If you feel you have a strong foundation and that you have a solid history of trust and connection and commitment to each other, then this a wake up call that your relationship now needs some work.

Any amount of blaming each other will only do further harm to the relationship. It sounds like is is trying to tell you he's not happy. Whether he started sexting because he felt mistreated, or whether you started treating him badly because you suspected he was sneaking around online - is really irrelevant. If you both want to save your marriage, you both have to stop all blaming, take 100% responsibility for your own behavior and feelings, listen to each other without judgement and start asking one another for what you want.

I don't know if he came clean because he felt guilty and wanted to be honest with you, or if he was forced to tell you because you found him out, but it sounds like he is now just expressing his own feelings of hurt and blaming you for his unhappiness and using it as an excuse for his behavior.

I would strongly recommend that you see a marital therapist together and try something new. Sometimes a painful experience like this is the turning point that can lead to a stronger and happier marriage. If you're both willing, then there is hope.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz

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Jul 15, 2014
by: D

Thanks Ben. We have been working on our marriage but the abuse he is dealing with from his past was pretty extensive. I am trying to learn to trust him again but every time his is on the computer or on his droid phone I am wondering what he is doing and who he is talking to.

I do not want to tell him this because I feel I will get blame for something and I sometimes get the feeling he is thinking I am cheating on him now because of what he has done.
He has tried to get help for his abuse from his childhood but there is no group or anything for men who have been abused, it is all for woman and children.

Some days are good and then others like today I am letting all the hurt and betrayed feelings I have, as well as feeling undesirable and unattractive, take over and I see myself being short with him.

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