My Boyfriend's Therapist Says He "Shouldn't Be Dating"

by Jill

The man I have been dating for 11 months told me that his therapist said that he "should not be dating." (He started seeing his therapist again last winter after a difficult time.) I respect his decision to keep what happens in his therapist's office private, however, I am a little concerned over this revelation, because it seems like an extreme recommendation and it does touch me on some level. What sort of issues would prompt a therapist to make such a strong statement?

Ben's Answer:

I think if your boyfriend is going to share information from his personal therapy session - like "my therapist says I shouldn't be dating," then he owes it to you to tell you why. Otherwise this is a completely unfair thing to dump on you. He should either keep it all private or he should explain himself.

I couldn't venture to say what could have promoted his therapist to make that statement. I personally avoid "should" statements, and even advice - unless explicitly asked for (and maybe not even then). The most common reason to feel that a person "shouldn't be dating" would be if he had a lot of codependency issues that he was working on, and had difficulty staying self-aware and autonomous within a relationship; or a person who was still in the midst of healing from a painful breakup, and was avoiding those feelings by rebounding into another relationship. Those are only two possibilities.

I'd suggest you ask him. He opened the door by telling you that. So there's nothing wrong with you asking for more information.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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