Method to the Madness
(New York )
I couldn't be happier that I stumbled upon your site. Thank you for putting my psychosis into a cultural context that is so relevant. There is so much validity to everything you talk about because during its course, mania felt like more of a spiritual journey than anything else.
Mania completely altered my reality, perception of other peoples realities and shifted the understanding of my identity for the better. Before mania I felt out of touch with my emotions, confused about how to connect to people, and trapped in these negative behavioral patterns. Mania made more me aware of the endless possibilities life offered me and made me feel alive again, allowing me to experience life from a fresh viewpoint.
It all started after a tumultuous breakup with a childhood lover and a trip to a psychic. I approached the psychic at a street fair and she actually recited my ex lovers name and a day later gave me a positive energy necklace promising a new wave of energy and for him to come back. Not sure if the necklace activated the mania but everything took a turn for the positive. And I'm normally someone who is given life's lemons. With my new found mania I was able to turn these lemons into lemonade.
After 2 years of being a college student, I had made very few friends because of my inhibitions and depression. With mania activated, I befriended the hottest two girls in the city, my new roommates and a pretty sorority girl who would normally never approve of me and whom I had just met. One of them offered me a complimentary ticket to electric zoo. I didn't roll, but because I was manic I danced so intensely that I started to feel nauseated from dehydration and started seeing colors. Luckily I found someone in the crowd who had spare water. This was the moment I started feeling like I had experienced a rebirth. This is when the metaphors started kicking in. Black swan, mind control, Lady Gaga, Alice in Wonderland, Amelie. I started feeling weirdly connected to all these characters and also to September 11 and the church. Like there was some conspiracy we were all missing. At Electric Zoo, I established myself as the alpha female among a
group of intimidatingly modelesque queen bees and this was a huge obstacle for me since I was a friendless loser at my high school and typically awkward and incapable of connecting with people on a normal level.
I suddenly had telepathic tendencies and everything started working out for me. Wealthy attractive Ivy League men would just appear at my beckon call, the universe finally started listening to me. However, once I developed a God-complex and feeling like a prophet, making huge demands to the universe is when all my power was ceased from me. and I started having delusions that the government was chasing after me because there would be huge black vans parked in front of my apartment. I kept feeling like I had died and everyone was mourning my lost soul. I'm curious how this translates in the Native American world and would like to read more about some of their rituals. During the height of my mania I was featured on a famous website called lastnightsparty.com in the Not Halloween album (Google that album, there are two. Not Halloween I and II. The second I thought was my rebirth). Looking over it, it appeared to be a flashback of my previous life and how my soul was taken from me in middle school after being attacked and mind controlled by 125 students at an urban, elite private school where the entire city knows each other and you cannot escape your reputation. I thought I finally escaped mine, and I was seeing a lot of butterfly symbolism partly influenced by monarch programming that I had stumbled upon whilst possessed by psychosis. I wish I could remember the rest of the mania but I do love that I have so many beautiful memories from this illness. I just wish I hadn't ruined all the friendships I made. That was my deepest regret due to mania. Ben's reply:
Thanks for sharing your experience. Remember to live in the moment. Don't try to recreate a past experience. All quality experiences only happen when we are present, and life is ever-changing. Stay grounded, and stay aligned with your deepest inner self.
As for ruined friendships, sometimes it's important to make amends when possible. Otherwise, try to just forgive yourself and move on.