Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you're crazy. Probably.
I never had any interest in learning while at school. In my early twenties I discovered a second hand bookstore in the building opposite my place of employment. I devoured books on any subject that appealed to me. I was fascinated by nonverbal communication (body language) and the way facial muscles express emotion. So naturally I became intensely aware of my own body’s subconscious, nonverbal communications and emotions, and the expression of emotion by other people.
I started experimenting with meditation after reading a book on Buddhist psychology. There was one sentence (I can’t remember it) that flipped my inner world. This totally blew my mind… I am not nor was I ever religious. I was thinking with a part of myself that I did not know existed. Every piece of information I once knew was filed, labelled and could be summoned with the speed of light.
I would ask a question, and know the answer… My questioning was mostly of the… "what the fuck is happening to me" variety. Information about everything bombarded me from all directions. I called a friend and The ‘’sentence’’ blew the lid of his head as well. Then it hit me…… I KNOW EVERY THING.
This experience was intensely delightful. I was a genius for about four days completely without fear, Oozing wisdom and love, but it did not have an off switch. Some of the physical symptoms I had, prickly sensations above my head, a feeling of something being poured into my skull. The information was accompanied by geometric illustrations. The meaning infused in a simple shape like the vesica piscis contained an “insane” amount of information.
Then it left, and the shit hit the fan… I still had my drawings and writings, but they made no sense. I could not understand. Did I do something wrong? Was I being punished? Or am I losing my mind. Then came the cycles of knowing and not knowing… What a ride that has been! They are not as intense as they
use to be. I viewed the cyclical swaying as a cleansing process (when I knew) and as a mental disturbance (when I didn’t know).
I am either crazy…. Or this is what is happening with the ups and downs. You are increasing consciousness by consuming the content of the unconscious. The content of the unconscious is not very tasty at times, so there is a period of indigestion… here you hit your lows. Dissolving a piece of unconscious material in consciousness takes a lot of energy... I say material, but I prefer to look at it as a being. IT IS ALIVE, and afraid to die. The reasonable thing to do is to take smaller bites, but if you had your experience spontaneously it’s a different story…
Spiritual practice does come with a warning label, but most ignore it. You will fall in love with the knowledge and beauty within yourself. You will be scared shitless by your own ignorance and darkness. I still do not know who, what, where, how, and why I am, and it’s not like I’m not trying to find out.
After six years of” chasing the dragon” I own a mattress, a car and some books. Rich in experiential knowledge that might be the result of a psychological disorder. It was worth it.
"The mystic and the schizophrenic find themselves in the same ocean, but whereas the mystic swims, the schizophrenic drowns." Carl Jung.
I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase
Even your emotions had an echo
And so much space
And when you're out there
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy (x3)
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Nicely told. And great Jung quote. Thanks for sharing your story.
May you swim safely and beautifully.
Ben Schwarcz, MFT