Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you're crazy. Probably.

by Dieter
(Cape Town)

I never had any interest in learning while at school. In my early twenties I discovered a second hand bookstore in the building opposite my place of employment. I devoured books on any subject that appealed to me. I was fascinated by nonverbal communication (body language) and the way facial muscles express emotion. So naturally I became intensely aware of my own body’s subconscious, nonverbal communications and emotions, and the expression of emotion by other people.

I started experimenting with meditation after reading a book on Buddhist psychology. There was one sentence (I can’t remember it) that flipped my inner world. This totally blew my mind… I am not nor was I ever religious. I was thinking with a part of myself that I did not know existed. Every piece of information I once knew was filed, labelled and could be summoned with the speed of light.

I would ask a question, and know the answer… My questioning was mostly of the… "what the fuck is happening to me" variety. Information about everything bombarded me from all directions. I called a friend and The ‘’sentence’’ blew the lid of his head as well. Then it hit me…… I KNOW EVERY THING.

This experience was intensely delightful. I was a genius for about four days completely without fear, Oozing wisdom and love, but it did not have an off switch. Some of the physical symptoms I had, prickly sensations above my head, a feeling of something being poured into my skull. The information was accompanied by geometric illustrations. The meaning infused in a simple shape like the vesica piscis contained an “insane” amount of information.

Then it left, and the shit hit the fan… I still had my drawings and writings, but they made no sense. I could not understand. Did I do something wrong? Was I being punished? Or am I losing my mind. Then came the cycles of knowing and not knowing… What a ride that has been! They are not as intense as they use to be. I viewed the cyclical swaying as a cleansing process (when I knew) and as a mental disturbance (when I didn’t know).
I am either crazy…. Or this is what is happening with the ups and downs. You are increasing consciousness by consuming the content of the unconscious. The content of the unconscious is not very tasty at times, so there is a period of indigestion… here you hit your lows. Dissolving a piece of unconscious material in consciousness takes a lot of energy... I say material, but I prefer to look at it as a being. IT IS ALIVE, and afraid to die. The reasonable thing to do is to take smaller bites, but if you had your experience spontaneously it’s a different story…

Spiritual practice does come with a warning label, but most ignore it. You will fall in love with the knowledge and beauty within yourself. You will be scared shitless by your own ignorance and darkness. I still do not know who, what, where, how, and why I am, and it’s not like I’m not trying to find out.
After six years of” chasing the dragon” I own a mattress, a car and some books. Rich in experiential knowledge that might be the result of a psychological disorder. It was worth it.

"The mystic and the schizophrenic find themselves in the same ocean, but whereas the mystic swims, the schizophrenic drowns." Carl Jung.

I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase
Even your emotions had an echo
And so much space
Hmm mmmm
And when you're out there
Without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy (x3)
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy

Ben's Response:

Nicely told. And great Jung quote. Thanks for sharing your story.

May you swim safely and beautifully.

Ben Schwarcz, MFT

Comments for Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you're crazy. Probably.

Average Rating starstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 12, 2017
"I still do not know Who, What, Where, How and Why I AM....
by: Eirene

I really enjoyed you sharing.
You say you still do not know who, what, where, how or why you are. Not like you are not trying to find out!!!
May I share two things with you? One, I think you would enjoy the writings of John Wheeler(Not the physicist! The writer on nonduality.)
Check on Amazon or PDF.
Awakening To the Natural State.
You Were Never Born (My favorite)
Right Here, Right Now
Shining In Plain View

Two. You write: I do not know who I AM.
That's IT! Are you? Can you KNOW this for sure? (If you say I AM not, you must BE in order to say so, right? WHAT are you??? You can simply and easily find out. Your real self is so close that you overlook it! What you are seeking you already are! What you seek you are seeking with!
Are you? Here and now? Are you present? Are you conscious? Are you aware that you are conscious? So, right where you are there IS presence and awareness. You ARE this presence-awareness. It is so obvious that you have missed it in what seems like forever!
This clear and shining presence-awareness is your true self!
You have been searching for your real self all
along. Have you "found" it? (It has never been lost!) You are yourself right here and now. You are not the body nor the mind. The mind can never know who and what you are because the mind is
CONCEPTS any you are not a concept!
(Psychological)suffering is caused by taking yourself to be what you are not and never have been---I,me, my, mine, my own. If you take the I-thought to be your real self, are screwed! Other thoughts congregate around this thought, causing much suffering, ie, I am better than,less than, equal to others...I am alone, I am seeking for enlightenment...and so on.
You (your true self) are beyond space and time, suffering and questioning, knowledge and ignorance,all pairs of opposites.
Alas! I'm really not preaching...simply sharing...
PS. You are, here and now, self-shining
presence-awareness-peaceful joy....glorious and mysterious peaceful joy. And that is all!


Beautifully said. Truth!


Click here to add your own comments

Return to Mania as Spiritual Awakening.

Share this page:
Enjoy this page? Please pay it forward. Here's how...

Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it?

  1. Click on the HTML link code below.
  2. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable.