Married to a womanizer

by Latoya
(Chicago Illinois,United States)

How to cope with your husband and his womanizing ways? He is willing to seek counseling but swears that it's not going to change him. He says it's in his genes and he will go out of love for me. I doubt if he has any true love for any woman but I could be wrong. I am a Christian and I want to save my marriage but I am heart broken that I have to contend with these other women. I mean I don't have to but I love my husband dearly and don't want to be without him. I feel that I am a pretty decent wife but I can't satisfy him. He's even gotten someone pregnant once. I don't know what to do. Can the marriage be saved? It was told to me that he would have to have extensive therapy to change and I don't know if i will last. I am totally hurt due to the fact that he hid his character until after we were married which hasn't been long about 1 year. Outside of a roving eye I never expected him to come out of a bag like this. Now it leaves me to do or die and because I don't want to be without him I let him just do. Please help.

Ben's Answer:

It's true that these issues are very hard to change. And he doesn't seem to be highly motivated to want to change this behavior. For some, it could be considered a "sexual addiction" and needs to be treated as such. Doing so, requires an absolute commitment to getting help and it is really not easy. So if he already seems to identify so strongly with this trait as simply who he is, he's not likely to try to change it. Don't blame yourself for his behavior.

Besides him working on his own addictive behavior in counseling, it may be helpful to also have some couples therapy sessions with him. Usually, people seek outside relationships when they are not experiencing true intimacy (not simply sex) at home. All human beings have a deep desire for intimacy - which is in essence - the experience of Love. But we are often terrified of it too - so we avoid it in different ways - often by seeking out superficial pleasures, sex, drugs, food, possessions, that don't ever really satisfy. A person in denial doesn't recognize that these temporary pleasures are just temporary and ultimately disappointing and they just get addicted to the rush of excitement that it gives them for a short time.

Without total commitment from him to work on these things with you, you are leaving yourself open to getting hurt again and again.

I wish you the best,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT

Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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