lied about rape

by Lolita Kitten
(New Jersey)

I was raped by most of my ex-boyfriends and several people that I thought were friends. I lied to my boyfriend about it, telling him that I slept with them or that nothing happened after he grilled me about it over and over. But I couldn't live with it and confessed the truth that I was raped. Several of the people involved were friends of his and they gave him bogus stories and he believes them over me. I'm trying to prove everything to him by going to the police and a lawyer, but he won't stop putting me down about being raped and telling me that I'm "dirty, loose and used". I love him very much and things are great between us when this all isn't an issue. What should I do?? I just want to show him that it isn't impossible for a girl to be raped that many times. I used to have a drug problem and I have been diagnosed as bipolar. Please help me.

Ben's Answer:

My first question why someone that supposedly loves you, and has a great relationship with you would ever call you "dirty, loose and used." Maybe if he said it once in the heat of anger, and was sorry for saying it.... but if this is how he really feels, maybe it's not such a great relationship.

It's hard for many guys to understand how common rape is, or how a woman can be sexually assaulted repeatedly. It's actually very common to be assaulted more than once, especially if the first time you were abused was a a young age. When this happens in childhood, you carry that trauma and become a target for other predators. It's not your fault.

I also know many people with Bipolar Disorder that become super-sexual when manic, and lose all judgment and impulse control when it comes to sex. When manic you might also become a sexual magnet to any man within a mile. This is what many people experience. So maybe that's been part of the issue too, that you've gotten yourself into unsafe situations and not given the signals that you needed to to put up a boundary and stay safe.

This is all too much for some guys to accept or understand, and if you put yourself in his shoes, you can probably see how he might not completely trust you. But even if that's the way he feels, he has no right to put you down, verbally abuse you or question your story. It may be that because you've accused his friends, he's in an impossible bind - not sure what's reality and afraid it may be true.

Unless you're both completely committed to working on this relationship through thick or thin and he's willing to educate himself about Bipolar disorder and deal with all that goes along with that - you are probably in for a lot more drama in this relationship. If he's not willing to try to understand what you've been though in your life, then there isn't much substance there to build a relationship on.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT

Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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