I used to be carefree, but now I'm anxiety-ridden. I am afraid to drive because I have these intrusive thoughts that I should yank the wheel. It's a feeling that I have so much power and could do so much damage in 1 quick motion. I never want to hurt anyone else, so then it turns to just yanking it off the road. I don't want to die AT ALL. I used to be a daredevil and now I'm afraid to be up high, not because something will happen, but because I have these thoughts that.. what if I just jumped? Again, no part of me wants to. It's as if someone else is putting these thoughts in my head to test me. I also think about jumping in front of the train on the way to work. It's crazy because I definitely don't want to die, but the thoughts really scare me. The driving one is a bit debilitating as I'm afraid to make long drives now and I have to as my family lives a few hours away.
The important thing that you said here, is that you don't have any desire or intention of hurting anyone or yourself. When I hear people talk about having fear or anxiety about their thoughts, it is usually regarding a sort of obsessive thought pattern, worry, or fantasy. And the fear of these thoughts tends to cause more distress than anything else. This is usually something that can be alleviated by doing a little work with a good therapist. Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT) is good for this, and EFT can also sometimes be very helpful for obsessive or intrusive thoughts. Meditation may also be helpful, especially in conjunction with therapy.
When in doubt, it is always good to consult with an experienced therapist, at least to get some reassurance and put your mind at ease.
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