I need desperate help
5 years ago, I did something that I hate myself for. I was 10/11 years old (Year 6 at British schools) (I'm 16 now) and I had never experienced sex education and nobody had ever talked to me about sex. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age(10/11), I was fascinated with it (I didn't know why at the time) especially when people touched each other. I wanted to try it for myself but everyone I did it to someone, they got angry and told me never to do it again (I even tried it on my Gran, but when I think of this, I just giggle because I remember it as a VERY awkward moment). I then tried it on my 5 year old, male cousin (without knowing what I was doing), it only ever happened a few times (2-3), (I never touched his private parts or touched him with my mouth.). I then found out what I had done a few months later in sex education lessons at school. I could not live with myself, I was very close to suicide (I had written a letter for someone to find next to my body), but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept thinking about my Mum and Dad and I knew I owed them better. For the rest of this year, I wrapped myself in a ball and I tried not to communicate with anyone other than my close relatives and because of this, I was bullied at school very badly. After this year, however, I forgot about it, but just recently, I have remembered and I hate myself for it once again. I
can only think about the guilt, I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick and I can't eat anything with being physically sick (I have just got back off a holiday in which I spewed every time food was placed in front of me).
I am 100% sure that I am not gay and I have had several girlfriends (nothing very serious as yet though), I have also lost my virginity to a girlfriend and experienced the thrill of being in a relationship with a girl that means a lot to me. I have also experienced the joy of watching a child grow up from birth and being a large part of their life (my other cousin on the other side of the family even though he is only 1 year old at the minute).
Touching children in that way again makes me feel sick to the bone, I think that people who do this whilst knowing what they are doing should be locked away and the key thrown away, but sometimes, I struggle to draw a line between them and me.
I have however talked to a Priest about this and I am now Religious, but I cannot take back the past. The Priest seemed very forgiving, but this is his job after all. I have taken a lot of comfort in thinking that someone is always looking down at me and caring about me. I am very scared of what people will think of me when they find out what I have done.
Do I deserve a second chance and can you give me any tips on how I can let go of this.