I Live for Danger. What is wrong with me?
I was fine in my early youth, I got good grades and was even social. But, as I got older I changed. I was separated from all six of my siblings by my father, so I grew up an only child. I was never allowed to go out and hang with friends so I had no friends. In my first experience with a guy, I was brutally raped by he and several of his friends, I was fourteen. Later I was forced into a gang, where I was again raped. I think I have developed a habit of hurting myself. I tried cutting my wrists but quickly stopped when I discovered it would not kill me. I have tried to overdose on pills but that too proved ineffective. Everyday I find it difficult to wake up each morning regardless if I got enough sleep. I feel as though my heart is split in half because my emotions are so extreme, either I'm exceedingly happy or terribly sad. I never let anyone get close to me. I know I'm slightly depressed but it feels like something else too. I live for danger; darkened street walks, going out in the cold with little clothing, an addiction to piercings and troublesome relationships with men. I'm addicted to pain. I can no longer concentrate on my studies or anything else for that matter. I could sit in a corner for hours and do nothing at all.
After living through being raped more than once in your early teens, along with all the other losses, traumas and isolation that you had to deal with, it's no wonder that you're depressed, addicted to pain, and can't concentrate. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder could account for all of the symptoms you are experiencing, including the extremes of emotion, and zoning out in the corner for hours. This is a brutal history. I strongly suggest you see a therapist who is trained in the use of EFT/Meridian Tapping. A good therapist should be able to help you resolve those past traumas in a relatively short time. You should plan for at least a few months of therapy, although it may be possible to get through most of this in a few weeks. Your addiction to pain, danger and self-injury is likely to resolve when you resolve these old traumas, but you may need to address those issues separately in therapy. You don't have to continue to suffer from what was done to you.
Help is available. Don't give up on yourself.
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