I don't think it will matter

by anon
(USA)

I went to a counselor because lately I have just really felt out of it. The issue is, and I think it makes sense because double depression was mentioned, is that I really have no starting point to really work on anything. The initial person I saw, who mentioned the depression, I thought was decent and I thought knew what she was doing, but the person she referred me to- a student or intern or something really sketchy, just kind of made things worse. I felt like she was blaming me and that she had this simplistic world view that if you just think happy thoughts everything bad just goes away. Everything just seemed to relate back to some implication that I just wasn't trying hard enough or something. I just am not a verbose person, and especially have a difficult time with directly talking about my feelings.

Anyways, I had quite a few issues with her, especially that the seemed uncomfortable with my existential monologuing and seemed to just want me to hand everything to her neatly wrapped up with a bow on top. But anyways I am afraid it might be on me. It might be that my perceptions are so distorted that I will find some sort fatal flaw in anyone I talk to and that will be one of the many reasons why nothing can be done. At the root of everything, nothing matters- I accept that, and have ever since I can remember, and can throw it to the back of my mind usually- even though it might color every aspect of long term functioning, but right now I am really affected. I want the coping skills to accept this, and maybe adjust it to some extent- but I am not sure that I want to forget it. It is the truth to me, and ignoring it to self soothe seems selfish. But I am majorly depressed, to the point where I am not suicidal, but that I would rather just not exist so I want that treated. Is it possible, sorry if not clear. I'm 19 and a girl, I rescheduled a new appointment with the person who did my intake in 2 weeks who I could actually tolerate, but I am afraid nothing will come from it. It just sucks because I can't think at all everything is so cloudy and I keep getting emotionally affected and derailed and stop being coherent and I just think no one can help me.

Ben's reply:

I think it's good that you are self-aware enough to recognize that your depression may be causing a more cynical outlook - but never doubt your intuition about people. Give everyone a fair chance, but you deserve to see a therapist that you feel seen and understood by - someone you feel you can truly connect with. Forcing yourself to stay with someone who you feel uncomfortable with and don't trust is not a good investment of your time. Even a good therapist for someone else, may not be the right therapist for you. Choose someone you feel respects you. But don't expect it to happen all at once. Therapy for depression takes time. Don't give up.

Best Wishes,
Ben