I Always Have to Find a Problem

by Kaylee
(California)

I need serious help. My last relationship lasted 5 years. During the third year he cheated on me. I forgave him but would always bring it up. Like I fed off of it to have control and maybe pity from him? I moved on and tried dating a nice guy. He was great. But I left him, I assume because I had nothing to get mad at. I couldn't find anything wrong.

My last boyfriend was a mix of both. He made me laugh more than anyone. He did such sweet things for me. But he didn't have a job the whole 7 months we were together. He had a lot of family problems, worse than mine. Which was also a first. In all my other relationships my boyfriends had great families and that is what I often looked for to make up for mine. So after I would say 5 months I just kept being rude to him, short tempered, very negative attitude. Over him not working and living with me for free. I care about him so much. He made a good point, he said " what would you do if I got a job? You would have nothing to pick at.

Ben's Answer:

Kaylee -- It's fairly common to find that you are attracted to relationships that are dramatic, conflicted or frustrating. Some people find that they're even drawn into abusive relationships (as either the abuser or the abused, or both). In most cases, it goes back to what you were used to in your own family of origin. We get imprinted by those early relationships. So if our parents fought a lot, or treated us badly in certain ways, we tend to automatically associate those negative behaviors with love. So we get bored when a partner is "too nice." It's our unconscious programming - not our conscious choices and desires that influence us most.

But in regards to this last relationship - maybe you're being too hard on yourself. Why should you be expected to be caretaker to your boyfriend for 7 months. You're not running a hotel. I mean - the whole 7 months you were together? That's really expecting a lot of yourself, even if he was sweet to you. It might be different if you had been together for years (while he worked and was not dependent on you) and then he fell on hard times and you offered to help him out.

But as you say - you were negative and rude to him all the time. You had a convenient excuse to be angry.

We're never really angry for the reason we think.

Examine the roots of your anger -- your own family history, and that is where you're most likely to find the emotional baggage that you're still carrying into your present relationships. Psychotherapy, Meditation, and EFT/Meridian Tapping are some of the best ways to let go of all that, and be the person you really want to be.