How do I leave my lazy husband?

by Stressed
(Colorado)

I have been married to my husband for nearly 5 years. We are 32(me) and 39(him) yr old. We probably got married for the wrong reasons, and have stayed together for the wrong reasons.

He is lazy and refuses to hold a job. He tried several times earlier in our marriage and always had to quit for one reason or another. Now, he has developed a serious illness, and is in and out of the hospital a couple times a month. So he has an excuse to not look for work at all. He is the stay at home dad to my two older kids, and we have a 2 yr old that is ours. But he doesn't even try do that job well! He is always yelling about something and the house is a mess. I work full time overnights 12 hour shifts in the medical field. We are barely scraping by and having trouble paying bills, etc.

I live far away from what little (unsupportive) family that I have and don't have any real friends here. What do I do? As of right now, I basically have 4 kids- how do I get him out of my life when I have no social support, my finances are in ruins, there is no daycare for my ridiculous hours, and he has nowhere to go. I'm just stuck. I don't love him anymore (if I ever did) and it's become a relationship of convenience. I know I should kick him to the curb, but how? Thanks.

Ben's Answer:

Tough situation. It sounds clear that you have no real interest in staying with your husband, and no hope of trying to make it better with him. So the only thing left to do is face your fears of leaving him. Sometimes caring for ourselves and our kids, means learning to be a bit more selfish. Have a plan. If you don't have a plan, you aren't likely to go anywhere too soon. Write it in a journal if you don't have anyone to hash it out with. Write every day. Make it a clear vision, with all the things you want - the perfect life. Don't be afraid to dream big. It doesn't have to be overly realistic. The point is to break out of your own limited thinking and self-doubt. If you don't think it's possible, then it's not possible.

I also highly recommend EFT to break through these mental barriers and fears. Creating the life you want starts in the mind. You have to confront your fears and weed them out one by one. Once you start to break out of your feelings of despair and helplessness, opportunities will start to show up, in ways that you never even imagined.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz

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Jun 07, 2019
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starstarstarstarstar 		I want to leave my lazy husband but I feel like I'm trapped
by: Anonymous

Hi,

Me and my husband have been married for 10 years. My husband was also suffering from depression. That was why even in the past every time when I had a chance I still hesitated to leave him. And that was my biggest mistake. I basically become a slave, go to work, take care of all the bills and food for him. He became so lazy and just stayed in bed all day. Not even bother to find a job. When he got sick even just a flu, it's feels like a whole world came down on us, I had to take care of him like a child. However whenever it was my turn to get sick, I still have to go to work and take care of myself. I always know this is stupid, my friends and family ask me why I didn't leave. Well, I tried but then again he will threaten to kill himself and so said he could not live without me. And he did tried so many times but will make sure I knew about it somehow. We went to the hospitals so many time because of this reasons and again I will have to be the one who taken care of the bills. I feel like I'm so trapped. Now it's even more impossible.

Ben's response:

I can see how difficult this situation is. Feeling responsible for his life. But his behavior is a form of manipulation, even if he doesn't realize it. Many people would have left him anyway. I would suggest, if you feel you must stay with him, that you at least do less for him and make efforts to give more to yourself and do more for yourself outside of this relationship. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and freedom.

-Ben
Jun 12, 2015
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starstarstarstarstar 		dead beat
by: Anonymous

I've been with my husband for 6 year for3 years - great little issues- no major one till i got pregnant. After we got married he turned into a raging alcoholic. Fixed himself about 1 year ago and now we're back to square one without the drinking supposedly. He got a dwi in feb. This year and lost job again and continues just to sit and play video games. The catch to all of this is that I'm pregnant - 2 jobs around 50-60 hrs and i still watching the 2 yr old when i dont work in between jobs and anytime i ask him to watch him he throws a fit. Yeah once in a while the house might be cleaned (nothing special). He says he understands one day he's nice trying to help me out and then the next i get called every name in the book and I'm the lazy one for sitting down 5 min or if i want to go to bed early... there's a lot more i just cant type anymore. I'm so exhausted. Thanks for reading about my husband that sucks needed to get some things off my chest.
May 08, 2010
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starstarstarstar 		I too had a lazy husband
by: BJ

After twenty years of marriage, two kids, nearly grown, I was working three jobs, had taken out a second mortgage for $40,000 to pay off my husbands credit cards, I had had enough. I used the money from the jobs to pay off my credit cards, hire a lawyer and leave. I learned through therapy and can see it now that I'm not part of the relationship anymore that I enabled this behavior. Only after saying, this will be the consequence, I will leave, and then allowing him one last time to change shifts ( he was a fire inspector and could go back on a firefighter shift and get an automatic 40% raise) and he didn't do it, I left. He then did all the things I had asked of him in the last three years. But at that point it was too late. I learned that he had undermined me the entire time with my children. He used me to make his life comfortable and I allowed him to do it. No more for me. I'm happy being out of that marriage, It still is painful because society looks at us as failures for not making it work but I also realized after I had left that every single sentence that came out of this mans mouth had a teen weeny lie in it. Together it surmounted many big lies. I could not see it when I was in it.

Start writing things down, you'll begin to see a pattern and learn it's not you. Put your foot down and stick to it. Keep the kids with you and you will find a way to make it work trusting your instincts and your faith.
Mar 03, 2010
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starstarstarstarstar 		In Response to Anonymous
by: Ben

Ok - I didn't give the Dr. Phil answer. But I'm sticking to my view that you can only have what you can believe is possible. If you spend your days in a a state of desperation - feeling trapped, believing you are trapped, and never visualizing yourself being "free" - then it is nearly impossible to find a solution. It's not my place to start giving social work advice. This is not "La La Land" to dream your reality into existence. It's how it really works.

"Our wishes foretell the capacities within us;
They are the harbingers of what we shall be able to accomplish.
What we can do and want to do is projected in our imagination,
Quite outside ourselves, and into the future.
We are attracted to what is already ours in secret.
Thus, passionate anticipation transforms what is already possible
Into dreamt-for-reality."

-Goethe
Mar 03, 2010
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starstarstarstarstar 		??
by: Anonymous

ok ben you DID NOT even help her answer the question of finding a realistic way to leave her husband. lala land? how will that help her come up with a solution of divorce, modifying her life and juggling her kids?????

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