Having an Affair at Work

by Kay
(Culver, IN, USA)

I started a sexual affair a few months ago with a married man at work. I am married myself to someone that does not have a desire for intimacy. I have talked to this guy several times on the phone at work and have met him 3 times for a little "fun". We have not had actual intercourse yet but he keeps telling me that we will when he can work it out as far as time and availability. He runs cold and hot towards me.

My problem is that I find myself thinking about him all the time and fantasizing about going all the way with him. I want to know what kind of advice you can give me to get this guy out of my mind all the time. Short of quitting my job, which I love, I don't know what else to do. I still have to see this guy. When I try to avoid him at work, I feel even worse. I don't know how he feels, but it just seems like I have become obsessed with this whole situation.

Help.......I need to get over this and go back to my boring life!

Ben's Answer:

As long as you continue to have any contact with this guy, it is going to be extremely hard, if not impossible to close off your feelings and desires for him. If you have to continue working with him, you are going to have to at least distance yourself from him in all ways possible; stop seeing him outside of work. Tell him it's over. And start putting as much time and energy as you possibly can into your own marriage and building your intimacy with your husband.

Affairs are addictive and they only progress as time goes on; it will eventually destroy everything in your life, if you don't back out completely.

The real questions are: why did this happen in the first place? What are you missing or craving in your marriage? And how can you get that from your husband? And what are you holding back with him?

Although it often looks like one person has the "problem" - there are always issues on both sides. The important thing is not give up and accept the barriers that exist between you and your husband. If you want intimacy and he doesn't, this is a serious problem that needs to be talked about and worked out. If your husband isn't willing to at least work on this to make the relationship better, then maybe it's not in your best interest to stay with him.

By the way, EFT is great for quieting the mind, and extinguishing obsessive thoughts. I highly recommend it as a self help method that can work quickly.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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