Giving Up On Life Because My Life is Miserable

by Louis
(Orlando, Florida, USA)

Is my life miserable?

Story of my life, I sometimes think that my life is so miserable that I want to end it. first, since I was 13 I have been struggling with my sexuality. I think I'm miserable right now because I am living a lie and that really depresses me. However, if come out I would still be miserable because my parents and society wouldn't like my lifestyle. Second, my social life is miserable, I have no friends. I can't seem to make friends with straight guys because I think they going to hate me and because I have nothing in common with them and I am also afraid that I might fall for one of them. I can't be friends with gay people because I don't want to be seen with someone who is gay, it doesn't really matter if they're gay - it's just that it's hard for me to be with the ones who act overly feminine. Third, my love life sucks. I haven't been in a real relationship for four years, I'm a good looking guy, it's jst hard for me to go out with a guy or a girl because of my situations that I previously stated. I have one night stands, but I hate it very much. I only did it once and it went very badly and swore not to do it again. I met this guy and we talk for a month and we finally decided that we should be together, but he stop talking to me for no reason over the past 2 weeks with no explanation. However, I think he stopped talking to me because of my low self esteem, or because I'm not very experienced with sex, I really don't know - I'm just guessing.

Last, I'm a junior in college and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing in college because I'm thinking that no one will hire me. English is my second language, I have an accent, I'm shy, I'm scared to speak, I'm very bad at public speaking, and I can't lead. All of the characteristics that I'm going to need to become a health service manager. I'm 22 years old and I have been depressed since i was 13 and everyday I think about ending my life because I feel unloved, I feel worthless, undependable, and socially retarded. I feel like I'm just a waste and that my mom would be the only one who would ever love me, not because I'm ugly. I'm not ugly, im 5'10" 170 pounds, muscular and beautiful, it's just that I have really low self esteem.

So do you guys think that my life is miserable?

Ben's Answer:

Louis - it seems to me that your first problem is that you care so much about what other people think. Nobody can be truly happy as long as they are always worrying about what others think of you. The only real happiness comes from being yourself.

So many young people tragically end their lives because they can't accept their sexuality - out of fear -- fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of being hurt.

You say if you come out, your parents and your society wouldn't like your lifestyle. Too bad for them. Are you only living your life to uphold your parents image of you? And who is your society? My society wouldn't be offended by your lifestyle. And I'm pretty sure there is a vibrant, thriving, gay community in Orlando Florida. The problem is, as you say, you are living a lie. You're living in isolation, and causing yourself to suffer because you wont accept yourself as you are. The best way to gain self esteem is to be around people like yourself, who can love and appreciate who you are - people you don't need to pretend with. Nothing will build your self confidence like a supportive community. Until you step out of the closet, you are simply punishing yourself - and nobody gains a thing from that -- not your parents or anyone else.

So my advice to you is -- take your 5'10" 170 lb muscular beautiful self out to a place where you can be noticed by other gay men (a safe place please), and just breath and relax. You don't have to be a movie star - don't need stellar social skills - just relax and I guarantee you will get plenty of attention. You can't develop social skills by staying isolated. It's all practice.
Don't live to make someone else comfortable - live for your own happiness and you lift the world up with you.

Take Care,

Ben Schwarcz

Comments for Giving Up On Life Because My Life is Miserable

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Aug 18, 2012
Don't give up
by: Princess Nhlapho

Hi from what you were saying, i think you are a great person. It doesn't matter what people say, people will always judge you, all you have to do is to be yourself that's how you'll gain confidents.

Feb 15, 2011
Your Mother Loved You. Don't give up.
by: Anonymous

Your mother loved you, it seems. Does she still? Can she accept you? Can you talk to her? If so, this is a big plus. If she accepts you as you are, the beautiful person you are, then you have a deep friend who knows you well to share your feelings with.

Even if not, you may find a friend or two who loves you for who you are. Or likes your companionship very much for who you are.

Inside you is peace. Look to what brings you peace. Blue skies? Breathing fresh air? Music? Dance? Reading? Do all you can of those perhaps, huh?

yes, and people say to give is to get...If you help someone, yhou will feel good doing this in and of itself. A side benefit: you feel more worthy.

Don't give up. Try hard...don't give up. Many many people can relate to your very c ommon situation.

Life in USA today is not humanity. But you can find it in yourself and some others like you.

The people writing you on this blog, for example, they CARE for you. I don't know you, but I CARE and understand your pain.

Hang don't ALWAYS feel miserable, right? Certain theings perk you up, right?

Life is for those things.

An Anonymous Friend Who Understands

Sep 15, 2010
dont give up
by: jackie

I think ur not completely gay as u hv written. All you need is to search God in prayer. Find someone u can confide in like a pastor. Stop thinking so much abt urself. Think abt others, the less fortunate, visit the sick, encourage them. Soon u will see u hv a purpose in life. The world needs u. U don't need the world.

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