fully confused

i don knw how to start.the problem is my father.i don knw what he is doing is acceptable or not.he is watching pornographic videos and pictures.i told this to my mother.but she asked about it to him.he promised my mother that he will not repeat it.but again and again i saw him doing the very same thing and also his behaviour with small kids are also not good(abusive in nature).my concept about a father figure has collapsed.my mother did not talk about it to him ever.it seems that she doesnt want to interfere in his affairs.but it hurts me.for me i can't be what i was once as far as my relationship with my father is concerned.i think i started hating him.but my behaviour hurts my mother.she told me not to care about it.he is a grown up man and knows what to do.but i'm fully confused and irritated.i can't see it as an easy go matter.now i see my father as a rival.find me a solution please.

Ben's Answer:

This is a very disturbing situation and I'm sure this is extremely painful for you to see your father behaving this way. You mother is clearly in denial and not willing at this point to oppose your father; The pornography is an addiction. What you refer to as his abusive behavior with young children is of greatest concern.

I'm guessing that you are not from the United States. If you were, then this abusive behavior would be considered a crime and there would be steps to take to ensure the safety of the kids he is victimizing. This behavior is like an illness, and he needs help. I don't know how old you are, or if you are able to live elsewhere, but staying in this situation is very toxic. If the elders in your life are behaving in these abusive, addictive ways, and nobody is able to listen to reason, then you really need to just focus on your own well being and find a way to live your own life, where you don't have to be subjected to this kind of behavior.

You have to be true to yourself, and pretending everything is alright is not going to make it so. You don't need to live in denial with the people around you.

I wish you well,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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