Everywhere and Everyone
The spiritual aspects of my mania baffle me. Following the experience I am much more spiritual person, but I struggle to make sense of the episode.
The greatest experience for me was seeing the magic or spirit in nature. Everything was vibrant, alive and, God was present in it all. The people that had passed away in my life where also very alive and present. Not in a physical body, but here. I would set up chairs for them so they could sit together and talk. I drew the conclusion that the earth was heaven. Everything that had ever existed was still present in some energy form.
This still makes sense to me to a certain extent, but there were so many more thoughts, even contradicting ones that I am almost ashamed to have believed. The end of the world was imminent, I was fighting evil, Jesus was returning, I was mother Mary, my nephew was Jesus, if I worshiped Allah I could save girls who were being held captive etc.
After being hospitalized and then sent to a half way house I never wanted to experience mania again. Now I want to experience and explore these spiritual aspects. Unfortunately, the extent of my psychosis was dangerous for me. I could have and almost did inadvertently kill myself. I made no sense to anyone but myself. I had anger and violence in the hospital. I was paranoid. I embarrassed myself on Facebook and in front of family and friends. Overall, it was a horrible experience. And yet I still feel like perhaps this was something spiritual. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
There is something of value to learn from every human experience. And having a profoundly altered state of consciousness (mania) is no exception. Most people find the experience to be traumatic, whether or not it caused any real external damage or chaos in one's life. A few find the experience to be purely uplifting, but they are in the minority. On your journey to heal the trauma of this episode, it is also important to respect and find meaning in symbols, themes and insights that were a part of this experience. It is easier to move on and grow when you can realize it was not entirely meaningless or random. In mania, a person can be flooded with confusing emotions, primal urges, and repressed thoughts, while also experiencing a temporary loss of ego, allowing for powerful feelings of oneness and spiritual connection, intuition and love. Not all of this is meaningless or crazy, however overwhelming it may have been. Recognizing the positive elements in the experience can become an inspiration to move towards greater spiritual connection and insight in a balanced, conscious, and safe way.
Wishing you balance and peace!