by Hannah
(Los Angeles)
The thing I miss most about my "manic episodes" is my connection to God/The Universe/The All That Is and the deep feeling of peace and purpose that came with it. I had a deeply profound sense that "Everything is perfect." Not denial, just a real understanding that "underneath it all" all is well. I have never been able to convey this sense of connectedness (I also felt deeply connected to other humans) and REALLY be understood, except to a friend who was actually diagnosed bi-polar before me. I did not realize when I was having these experiences that she OR I were bi-polar, but since she was having extremely similar experiences, she understood. Sadly, she isolated herself and when she did have a "psychotic break" she felt so profoundly lost without that spiritual connection that she took her own life to "be with God."
Since being diagnosed (and medicated) I have had this profound sense of loss as well. In addition, the powerful creative link I had with the Divine, that fueled my "genius" (I am not the only one to use that word...others noticed) seems gone too. Well, not gone, but more like work, not as easy, less like "playing with the angels."
I don't miss saying wildly inappropriate things, being aggressive, having people not want me around and generally being unreliable, but being thin (without having to think about it), having tons of energy and creativity, having a sense of knowing what was REALLY going on in the world "underneath", "behind the eyes" I really do miss.
For what it is worth I also had some profound (for me anyway) psychic experiences. Knowing what a person was going to do or say next (which became annoying, as that lent itself to my over-talking and interrupting) and would/could predict little things...not like earthquakes,but I would just have that very ultra connected feeling and think, "Around the next corner is a woman in a red baseball cap," (useless, I know, but that's what would happen, just a flash in my head) and there she would be or I would be having that feeling and would see a license plate that said "Angels." Yes, since I live in Los Angeles, likely the baseball team, but still, you see my point.
When the darkness comes I am glad for the meds too, because I know it won't last as long, but the absence of that "certainty" of Spirit is profoundly felt.
Perhaps of lesser note is that during this mostly "manic" year I had I also kept seeing the number 444, over and over again. Everywhere. If I looked at the