I have always been different, or special. From a young age completely shut down, abused and teased for being me. As a young child I would "feel" things no one else could. Was extremely sensitive to others, had instant gut feelings, vivid dreams, deja-vu so learned to shut my mouth and hence repressed who I was transitioning to be.
So self-destruction became a way to deal with being so sensitive and being unheard. I had many people over the years tell me I was a manic depressive. I would say, "no I'm just really happy" (when being able to be me), or somewhat introverted and depressed due to not being able to express who I was. Was treated from 18 with anti-depressants that only made me suicidal which I had never been.
May 2001 I had a huge wake-up call, my blood pressure went to 240/180 and had a massive seizure. I was in a coma for 3 days. During the seizure I remember looking down from the corner of the ED laughing at myself and everyone in a state of panic. I remember going towards the light but not into it. I woke up 3 days later, a completely different person. No one could explain what happened to me, heart attack? stroke? aneurism? Zip.....I started on my spiritual journey, know longer a negative victim. But a being of pure white light.
I got onto Doreen Virtue somehow, listened to her Earth Angels the Indigo, Crystal and Rainbow children. My whole body started tingling, I was flushed with emotions, crying, laughing. The penny had dropped. I was an Indigo Child or as modern psych's would call it ADHD. The Crystal Children now are "Autistic". Labels - where would the world be without them? Can't and won't really understand what it is so hey lets whack a label on it, medicate it and send
it off for re-training!!!!!
I diagnosed myself with "Bipolar" was medicated with Lamotragine(mood stabiliser) and enough Effexor to sink a ship, did diddly squat. In times of stress or being dragged into depression for again allowing others to repress me because of their own inner inadequacies, my mood would fluctuate. I have healed myself, I have let go of negative people affecting me, I have let go of allowing stress and anxiety tip me over the edge. It is all in the mind. By being in control of our own feelings, we can control our thoughts thus modify our behaviors and actions. Geez if they could manufacture a pill to do that!!!!!!!Wow.
Life is a journey full of ups and downs. It is how you let it affect you that enables the outcome. Get in touch with who you really are. Listen to your soul, do what makes you feel good about you. Don't listen to that negative internal chatter that we all have the "inner critic". Learn to let go of the past, live in the moment and visualise what you want for the future:)
Love and light xxxBen's Response
Thanks for sharing your story Claire. It is often the most energetically sensitive, emotionally empathic, and
psychically open people who develop the bipolar pattern when they are not seen and understood and free to be their authentic selves as children.
It is also interesting to see the correlation between seizures disorder and bipolar disorder. They are similar in many ways. They are often treated with the same medications (Depakote, Lamotrigine, Neurontin, Topirimate), and many people have a history of both bipolar and seizures. Estrogen increases seizure risk, and progesterone lowers it. And both of those hormones affect mood. The right/left brain relationship in bipolar disorder is explained further here: Hemispheric Dominance and Switching
I wish you well!
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Therapist