by Hala
(Corona CA)

I have been married for 28 years very controlling and selfish husband greedy and very cold I dont believe in divorce I filed in 2010 after I lost my dad in a car accident I have decided to complete the divorce because we went to our pastor for 5 years and no change. I feel very sad and cry everyday I feel like the world crumbled and I dont know what to do. Should I stop the divorce? But if I do my husband will think I cant live without him and treat me worse. What should I do.

Ben's Answer:
I think you've answered your own question. Been with him for 28 years and he is greedy, cold, controlling and selfish, and hasn't changed even after 5 years of pastoral counseling, and you feel that if you change your mind and stay, then he will treat you even worse. Why on earth would you want to stay? It takes two people sincerely working on a relationship to make it better, and this does not sound like a balanced relationship.

I understand the emotional attachment, and the grief that you must be feeling - but that can be dealt with with some good therapy. I suspect that guilt is also part of what is keeping you in a state of emotional turmoil. I would suggest you see an experienced therapist. Although some pastors may be wonderful counselors, many are not, despite their good intentions. Staying in an unhappy or abusive relationship just because you don't believe in divorce is denying your right to be happy, and ignoring your heart. Is it your heart that tells you to stay, or is it your head?

I would also highly recommend EFT (Meridian Tapping) as a faster way to let go of this grief and this toxic relationship.

Most important: get support - from caring friends, and anyone else who can affirm your right to be happy, and free to live your life.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz

Click here to post comments

Return to Ask a Therapist.

Share this page:
Enjoy this page? Please pay it forward. Here's how...

Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it?

  1. Click on the HTML link code below.
  2. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable.