Dealing with molestation

by Jane
(Blue Springs, Mo USA)

How do I deal with hurt and pain from my childhood. I was molested by an older cousin, I never told my mom until I was grown and she has been living with him for years now. My family advised me that I played a part in the act. I was 5 when this began and my cousin was 12 he used to bully me and tell me I would get in trouble or he would hurt me. My mom was on drugs which came out once I moved out because she was unable to hide it any more. She physically abused me as well. I no longer speak to any of my mothers family because the situation is bitter sweet... for the last few years I felt like all I had was my dad and he just passed away due to cancer last october. I was in a domestic violent relationship which I escaped. Now I am in a relationship that is 4 years old and I feel like I am belittled and never heard.

The issue is, I've been treated this way my whole life I have three children and I have been neglected my whole life. I am moving toward sucess I have a great job and without my family I have moved really far. I know emotionally this affects all aspects of my life and I dont know how to move forward from here. Life feels lonely I have become really insecure I just dont know what to do anymore. Why does everyone act as though everything is my fault and I have to change things to get what I want from them? I am always the one making exceptions, sacrificing, and compromising. Then when I get upset Im the one with the issue or being disrespectful I just dont think its right I have to feel this way my whole life by everyone that enters.

Ben's Answer:

The ways that you are treated, are the ways that you allow yourself to be treated. As a child who was abused, you were lied to. You were taught false things about yourself - and to some extent you believed them (as most kids do). You didn't deserve any of it. A 5 year old girl who is coerced, threatened with violence and molested by a 12 year old cousin (nearly an adolescent), is a rape victim. It's a very black and white situation. If any of your family thinks you are the slightest bit to blame for what happened - they are crazy! Even if you know this on a conscious/intellectual level, you don't believe it on an unconscious/emotional level and that's why you still find yourself with partners who abuse you or treat you with disrespect. There is a part of you that still thinks you deserve to be treated that way. Stop sacrificing and compromising. Learn to be selfish (but keep your heart open at the same time). Give as much (or more) to yourself, than you do to others. Never let another person tell you what is best for you. Trust your own feelings and find what makes you happy.

Dealing with the childhood traumas (abuse, molestation, etc) is the best way to move on and change how you think and feel. EFT/Meridian Tapping is one of the best ways to clear your past traumas.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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