Confused by my boyfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a half now we are both 23. The last six months was horrible we almost lost contact we only talk by chat just to say good night i love you and that's it. now i decided to take things in hand and try to fix this relation because i love him very much and i can't be apart from him. i started changing my behavior trying to do the things he likes i joined his association that I always have been against it, he is the president there. i have a lot of hope that we can be back the way we was before and better cuz I treated him badly, and now i see clearly my mistakes. but what worry me the most is that he changed a lot i feel him cold he used to hug me, kiss me all the time, he used to whisper sexy things in my ears and always telling how much he wants me, how beautiful I am when we are alone or with people. now he don't any more and he even don't let me touch him or try to seduce him even bit. He directly ask me to stop and to act normal. i don't understand what's wrong with him. i asked him he said he don't know why he do this that. when i insisted he said he don't want people to think something wrong of him because he is the president at that association and I’m not his fiancée i didn't believe him so he said he hates all girls he told me he became religious so he don’t want any physical contact with girls (we are Muslim) and then he said he it’s joke (+ we are married in secret). I’m totally lost i don't know what to do, what action should i take to gain him back. he don't want to see me alone any more we only meet with his association's friends but he wants me to come. i even suspected that he is gay but I’m not sure about it. or maybe he only consider me as a friend, and don't want to break up with me because i threatened him to kill myself if i end up without him but he says that he loves me
and this is his problem. And one other thing when sometimes we talk by cam he always asks to have cybersex or to see me naked. So it's a big mess and I’m in the middle. plz help me understand him. I’m willing do anything to feel his love again i just need to know what steps should i take. And other things too he wanted to marry me but his parents didn't accept and told him to choose between me and them. This is why he wanted to break up. he said he was unhappy with me because I was always telling him no about everything I was always unsatisfied + we got no future it's impossible for him to marry me and that he don't want to play with me. but i told him that i don't care i just want to be with him i don't need the damn marriage.
plz help me and thanks a lot sorry if the text is messed up :(Ben's Answer:
Your boyfriend sounds very conflicted and confused, on many levels. You don't have control over what he does, and you can't make him love you or be committed to you. If his parents told him to choose between them and you, he is in a terrible bind. And his conflicts regarding his social image and his reputation and his religious views all complicate this relationship terribly. No relationship is worth killing yourself for. Decide what you deserve in a relationship ask yourself honestly if it is really possible to get what you want from this man. If you can't get what you feel you really want and deserve - then let him go and don't sacrifice your happiness waiting for him to come to his senses.
Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist
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