Accused of stealing from my only sister

by Shandi
(Newaygo , Michigan)

My sister accused me of stealing from her, from her own house, while i slept there one night after a new year's party.
I would never have thought of stealing from her, I always looked up to her and cherished her, I accepted her husband whom no one else cared for in the family.

This has made me so very angry and then turns into sadness. I cry over the thought of her even thinking i could do such a thing. I'm willing to take a lie detector test to prove to her i didn't steal from her, but it will never change the way this has torn our family apart.

It has been over a year now and she still insists I stole from her. There was a police report that says her husband said that i was hard up for cash at the time and thinks that me and my b/f of 7 yrs would have taken it. My b/f and I both had very good paying jobs, but that doesn't make a difference to them.

I have been keeping my daughter who is 5 away from her since she thinks that I would steal from her, she would also accuse my daughter of this hideous crime one day and i wouldn't want my daughter to go through the pain that I am going through now.
My grandma has always been closer to my sister and when she babysits my daughter she sneaks visits to my sister, whom i have made clear i don't want my daughter to have anything to do with my sister any longer!

I'm asking what can i do to get past this nightmare?

Ben's Answer:

This is a sad situation indeed. You can't force your sister to believe you or trust you. If you have done all you can to communicate with her and you feel she has made up her mind, then the only thing left to do is to take care of your own feelings. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting your daughter to be around her after what happened. And I think you have every right to insist that your grandma not take your daughter over there.

What does your grandmother think about this situation? Does she believe that you are innocent? And if she believes you, and is close to your sister, can she talk some sense into her?

If there is no way to work on the relationship directly with your sister, you just have to heal your own pain and move on with your life and let her go. This is a traumatic loss and needs some care and attention. Therapy could be a very good support to work through this - but if it's not the right kind of therapy, you could just find yourself telling the story of your sister's betrayal again and again, and not fully resolve the feelings. I believe techniques like Meridian Tapping/EFT are the best way to let go of the past and all the resentment and hurt that you feel.

Whether your sister ever sees the mistakes she's made and apologizes, or not, you need to find your own peace of mind and not expect or wait for her to come around. The best thing you can do is to simply work on yourself, and everything else will fall naturally into place.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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May 13, 2013
I feel a death in my family because of her lies
by: Anonymous

This article hit me to the core. My older sister wrote me a letter 23 years ago and accused me of stealing petty items from her, band-aids, a vaseline jar, and a few other little bizarre things. The letter was very hateful. My sister and I talked about it but she was ‘convinced” that I stole these items . My husband and I didn’t go to her house for about 2 years. Then in the process of life, kids, etc we reconnected, slowly. She has always been either nice or mean, we never knew which personality it would be. So unfortunately the cousins never really got to know each other and we didn’t see each other much through the years. The last couple years I thought we were beginning to have a “real relationship”. The kids are grown, she is remarried and I thought she had realized she was wrong since nothing else was ever spoken about her accusations. Now just 1 day after spending holiday dinner at my house, her husband accused me of stealing from her again, she has him thoroughly convinced her accusations are true. He even said “I broke into his their house and stole her camera and camera cards!” That was basically all that was stolen so it had to be me. Really? He said if I didn’t return them within 3 days they would call the police. I could not believe it! Not much to say, can’t return something I never took. I am so hurt and angry. My husband said, “ this is it, the relationship will be no more” He is tired of watching her control the family with her insanity. And her husband is believing her. I don’t think she will ever get the help she needs and I am tired of the way she treats me. I have come to realize that I just don’t deserve this anymore, never did. She has made it clear on many occasions that she resented me as a baby and while growing up. I guess this is just another level. The police actually called me and told me her accusations. I wish he would of fingerprinted whatever it is they thought I touched to “break into” their house. I don’t think she will ever let this obsession go but it has torn me apart. I told her kids that I never did it, never would and don’t expect them to chose sides but I wanted the truth out there. My brother wants to bury his head in the sand, as always and pretend she didn’t accuse me of anything. I don’t feel comfortable traveling to his house and staying at his house if he even thinks this is remotely true. So she has damaged that relationship too. I am devastated and tired of being treated like this. She had turned my sons against her years ago with things she has said and done to them. My daughter up until now has always had a relationship with her but now she is even done. It saddens me. To be unjustly accused of something like this is devastating to me. I know I have to move on but I feel a death in my family.

Jun 24, 2010
Accused of stealing from my only sister
by: Anonymous

Thank you for listening to me and especially agreeing to the fact that I have every right to keep my daughter away from the pain that my sister is giving me. my grandmas thinks differently.
My grandma says she is neutral about it and loves us both, but she dont understand what she has done to me. My mom has stood by my side from the beginning, she told my sister she still loves her but she thinks she made a very bad decision.
I have started working on me and trying to move on from this awful feeling i have of betrayal from the sister i loved so very much.
I still want to prove to her with a lie detector test, just so she may want to apologize someday, but why? why do i still want to prove my innocence? why is so important for me to have her know that i would never do such a thing? I know i will never feel the same way towards her again.

Ben's Reply

It's natural to want to prove to her that you are innocent, so that she will apologize and you'll get your sister back. She owes you an apology. She made a mistake. You can't have a functional relationship with a person who has judged and condemned you - especially when the accusations are false.

Focus on your own peace and happiness and don't wait for her to come around. Try not to be bitter towards her. It's her loss too. Someday she may wake up and realize what she's done. If you let go and make peace with yourself, then maybe you'll be able to let her back into your life if she ever wants to heal her relationship with you in the future.

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