a world of my own...

by lostindarkness
(usa)

do you ever wonder what you're holding on for?? do you ever wonder why you keep trying?? i hate the way that i am the way that i feel the way that i act. i want to be alone...i'm sick...i know i am...my thinking isn't clear and my mother tells me i live in a distorted reality. i feel like i'm losing it and i'm so tired of fighting..i've felt this way off and on for 8 years. it doesn't matter if something good or bad happens...i still end up RIGHT BACK HERE. i feel guilty for feeling the way that i do..i know that normal people don't feel this bad. this is polar opposite of the girl i once was..they always say.."it'll get better"..but when's it gonna get better FOREVER..i don't even know what happens...what do i do wrong?? it starts out where i feel this gut sadness...and over a period of about a week i feel like i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. my parents think i'm weak..especially my mom..she's said enough to make me know that's how she feels about me. i don't even wanna fight anymore..i feel physically sick, i've dropped weight, don't feel like doing anything. i just wanna be alone. i can't be like this..i'm supposed to be getting married in 3wks..and i can hardly stand the thought of him even touching me..i feel overwhelmed by emotion but at the same time almost numb. there's no escaping this horrible feeling. i want to take my brain out my head and turn the switch off...but i can't. it makes me question everything i've ever known. i feel like a complete and utter failure. all my perfectionism down the drain..i haunt myself..i'm my own worst enemy. i want to go rest...and i don't mean lay in a bed for 8 hours...a huge part of me wishes i was dead..my mother says that's selfish..i'm sure it is, but if they only knew how hard it is to suffer this kind of pain. i promised my fiance i wouldn't hurt myself..but sometimes i wish i wouldn't have ever made that promise..because hurting physically would be much better than hurting this way. i've been fighting with my mom and dad...can't handle work..had to leave for a couple days..and even when i'm here it takes a lot of concentration to get anything done because i'm off in this world of darkness. i feel so bad because i have such a good life...why do i have to be so negative? Is this just depression or is there something else in your professional opinion going on with me? i'm 23 years old btw.

Ben's Answer:

Depressed - yes - you definitely sound depressed. The "something else" - I don't know. You seem to suggest that your depression comes and goes in cycles. You say your thinking is unclear. Your mom (if her perceptions are accurate) says you live in a "distorted reality." If I were you I'd definitely get a good evaluation by an experienced therapist that has training in treating Bipolar Disorder. Just to be sure. You may be going through a lot of needless suffering, with a treatable illness that you are just beating yourself up for. If this is Depression and nothing more, then a good psychotherapist (weekly) could probably help you a great deal. If this is something more, like Bipolar Disorder, you should be in weekly therapy, but also using other forms of treatment, either traditional, alternative, or both;

Just keep in mind that Bipolar symptoms can be caused by a wide variety of issues, toxins, physical imbalances, traumas and many other factors. So there is not one single treatment that would be appropriate for you. For example, a vitamin or mineral deficiency can cause all kinds of cognitive and emotional problems that can look like a real psychiatric illness. But most medical doctors and psychiatrists will simply look at your symptoms, diagnose you with a psych disorder, and give you medication, regardless of the real "cause" of the symptoms. So it's a good idea to get a variety of opinions from several different types of healing professionals.

For emotional healing, I strongly recommend Meridian Tapping for just about anyone. It's a powerful technique that you can learn an use on your own, or with a therapist.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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