why my depression never goes away?
I can never seem to get rid of depression. I have been trying hard like I have been going to gym, reading books and trying to keep busy. But suppose I don't go to the gym for say a week because I had to travel or I did not get a new book from the library then, I have to end up again going back to my cycle of mood swings. Until recently I was pretty happy and energetic and positive about life. Also I never cared much if somebody said something that would hurt me normally when I am depressed. But now again my depression is back and it is killing me. I have become too sensitive again, I have lost my appetite, less energetic and generally find everything boring. Also when I cry I feel highly destructive and aggressive. I don't feel like killing myself but I feel like I need to do something that would get rid of the pain. I have been resisting the urge to do something bad but I don't know how long I can hold it back. I want to snap out of this cycle and be normal again. My psychiatrist suggested medication for depression but I don't want to deal with the side affects. Also, I told her I want to give it a little more thought and time as right now I am taking only one class in college for the whole semester due to financial reasons. I told her maybe I should wait till summer, when I would be taking more classes, and then see how this is going. So, I guess right now probably boredom is causing trouble. But these mood swings and depression every few months has been going on for a year now and when I am depressed it is unbearable. I don't know how long I can take this and my aggressiveness and frustration inside me is getting worse day by day. Also I don't want to deal with this anymore. Please suggest what should I do.
You seem to have some definite symptoms of depression. If you're going to put off medication, I would strongly suggest you learn Meridian Tapping/EFT and start using it on a daily basis, as well as doing some meditation (maybe just 10-15 minutes a day to start). I've seen people have dramatic, fast improvements in their depression with these two things. It's not hard to learn.
I would be extremely cautious and maybe get a second opinion from another psychiatrist before considering an antidepressant. If you have a history of mood swings and self-destructive impulses, there is a chance that there's a bipolar element to your depression. If that turns out to be the case, then an antidepressant can trigger extreme mania and cause a lot bigger problems. Often this is unknown until an antidepressant is started and you're suddenly having a bad reaction.
You can find the basic Meridian Tapping Technique here.
The idea of "getting rid of the pain" is exactly what keeps the pain inside you. Whatever you fight against becomes stronger. With both Meridian Tapping, and with meditation the intent is not to get rid or, deny, avoid, or fix your pain. The attitude is one of acceptance. And in the process of facing the pain and accepting it in the present moment, the pain usually diminishes - or even disappears completely. But it may feel difficult or overwhelming to use that approach unless you are using an actual process or method that you can stick to.
If it all feels like too much to face on your own, I would suggest seeing a therapist weekly - not only a psychiatrist who will probably focus mainly on medications.
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist
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