Why doesn't she turn me on?
by Dick Downy
Doctor, please help me!
I have been divorced for over twenty years now and finally found my hearts true love. She is the kindest, sweetest, most understanding, and loving person I have ever known. Friends included! She is very sexual, and therein lies our (My) only problem. Being a bachelor for all those years, I got used to masturbating. Starting innocently enough, I didn't want to go to the bars or catch anything so why not? Safe, responsible, just an easy way to relieve the day's tensions right? I started out only needing an image or two to get me there and wouldn't think about it at all when I had a girlfriend.
But then the internet came along and it went to movies, and I was again single for several more years. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with those woman I see, or even think about that part of it, I simply imagine that it's my girlfriend and me and that does the trick every time.
But here's the problem, and the reason I am here. My girlfriend loves me very much and says that my inability to get aroused will just take time, and everything will be fine when I will get back into the swing of everyday sex with someone. Problem is: I haven't told her that I know this is the reason. I quit masturbating over two months ago but the problem is still there and I still don't get aroused when I see her naked, or when I think about having sex with her. Things just don't work! But when I sit down at the computer, and pull up a movie, I am instantly excited and have no functional problems at all!
Help me Dr., I know the wrong images are exciting me, and my question is: How do I get my senses turned around, so I am naturally excited about my girlfriend and her body, and get aroused about the thought of having sex with her, instead of the porn images? And by the way, she is not a woman that people refer to as: pretty. No! She is extremely beautiful in every way and one of the hottest women, for her age, I've ever seen. So what can I do? I don't want porn to be what excites me, I want it to be her, all her! and her alone!!
Dr., I just don't know how to fix this!
She's not arousing you sexually because you've conditioned yourself to pornography. It's like building up a tolerance for intense sexual stimuli (in this case, visual stimulation). Once you get used to porn and combine that with masturbation, your body-mind gets the idea that it needs that to get aroused.
You went half way, by quitting the masturbating. But you've still not given up the porn (if I'm understanding you correctly). You've checked it out, and found that you still get turned on by it. This is very common. When you stop feeding your mind with those arousing images, you will start to return to normal and your girlfriend will take it's place.
Letting go of all expectations and just having sensual fun with your girlfriend - staying focused in the heart - will also help things along. Don't focus on the equipment. Stress and anxiety will only make it worse. So you need to be relaxed and in the present-moment.
If you want to hurry this normalizing process even faster, you can do that with Meridian Tapping/EFT very effectively in most cases. To re-boot your system so to speak.
Don't despair - this is an easy one!
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist
Guided Mindfulness Meditation for Depression
Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression
A 96-Page guide to lead you out of the darkness of depression and into the light of your own true self.
(Audio book and one hour Guided Meditation audio included)