Touched By The Sun
I don't know why I am typing this out, but here goes. Please read through the first paragraph, there's a point to it.
Either October or November of 2009 I was hanging out with a lot of pot heads. So peer pressure and all, I smoked when they smoked. Weed and alcohol have ALWAYS effected me so much stronger than the average person. Just a couple of hits and my entire body would start spasming like a seizure-- only I could control where I would twitch next. Anyways, in Oct. or Nov. I had my very first space cookie (cookie made with THC). The experience was horrible. It felt as though my skin was on fire, the air had turned into metal bars I had to break through to be able to move, and I had to fight my body to not spin. I was holding onto my friend's countertop and fighting it so hard but to him it looked like I was just ripping his countertop off for no reason. And two minutes felt like at least one hour had passed.
ANYWAYS-- from that night on for about 6 months I was living from one panic attack to the next. I felt (still feel) seperated from my body/mind. Like my soul had split apart from my mind. Ever since then I can't stop thinking. I think so hard and so deep and I cannot stop. The thoughts terrify my body so while I'm pondering on my next question my body was completely freaking out. Things I think of are things that my soul can do someday but my body would never be able to. Everybody tells me I think too much. I have a horroble time explaining my thoughts because ever since that night, I don't think in words anymore. I think in images, feelings, and sounds. Sometimes, even when I'm alone, I'll hear people talking about things I've never even heard of or know nothing about what so ever. So I try to listen to it and remember it but then it disappears.
Ever since the weed cookie night... when I close my eyes in the sun... I feel like the sun is wrapping it's arms around me. Now my most favorite thing to do is lay down in a sunny area, close my eyes, and watch myself being held by the sun. When it gets a little too cold the sun suddenly shines brighter and makes me warmer. If I get too hot, it lessens. While being held by the sun I feel like I am home. Like some divine being knows every little thing about me and loves me sooo much for who I am. I have always hated sunny days, for as long as I can remember. Now I look forward to seeing the sun again.
One day my boyfriend and I at the time went to a park. It was a nice, sunny day and children were laughing and playing. We went to a patch of grass away from it all, lied out a blanket, and just... laid beside each other. At the time I had thought of something and wanted to experiment. I had begun to HATE talking. I kept thinking to myself "If they would just close their mouth and listen to my heart with their own, they would understand why I feel this way or why I did this or whatever stupid question(s) they're asking." So while we were lying down I wanted to see if it was possible to listen to someone else's heart. First I said my hello's to the sun, basked in that pure, innocent bliss and warmth, and then focused on my partner. I stopped listening with my physical ears and just listened with my heart. I listened to his heart and suddenly I started missing my mother and couldn't wait to join her in heaven, I felt really guilty about my past and all the things I had done... Then I realized these weren't my feelings. My mom is alive, and I hadn't done the things I was thinking of. I talked to my partner about it and he was amazed. I went back to focusing on the sun, seeing myself being held by it, and felt incredibly home sick. I figured my partner and I both wanted to go home, so why not just go now while we're happy? I remembered all the times I'd jolted up in the middle of the night, feeling as if my soul were leaving my body. So I held his soul with mine and decided to let myself leave my body rather than my body forcing me to stay in it. Suddenly he jolted up, totally terrified and amazed, which made me jolt up. He kept saying "Oh my god! Oh my god! I almost died just now!" I just smiled at him and said "I felt it, too". Eventually I told him what happened and rather than freak out, he just smiled.
Now I am the most spiritual person I know. I see now that every single person lives in their own little world that completely revolves around them. When I think of people I think of bubbles. When I listen to people whining about their problems rather than trying to figure out what they're supposed to be learning from it, I just smile to myself... remembering being that young. I by no means what so ever view myself as better than anyone. It's just that now I see people as jigsaw puzzles. Pieces scattered about, trying to figure out how to put them together. I try my best to help but I've learned that you have to find the answers on your own. But I sure do play devil's advocate. I listen with both my mind and my heart so I can see all sides of just about anything. So when someone says something I'm always offering another perspective so they don't feel so down and out. My friends all call me a hippie because my life has changed to the journey of the heart and trying to touch the sun. I am all about love, understanding, and forgiveness. I am ALWAYS aware of my actions and whether they'll effect me spiritually.
I really wish I had a spiritual leader or something I could talk to. But anyone I've tried so far has been too... simple... Like they're only telling me what I already figured out. I want someone who's at least at the same stage I am at so we can dive into our thoughts together. This is my most favorite topic and there's only so far you can progress alone. Hmmm...
I apologize for the ranting. =^.^=
Melissa -- thank you for this wonderful story of your spiritual journey. You have clearly tapped into a deeper source of knowing and feeling the unity of life.
I'm particularly struck by your connection with the Sun. In my spiritual practice the Sun (Surya - the spiritual essence of the sun) plays an important role in healing and spiritual awakening.
Thank you for sharing your inspiration.
Light and Blessings,