They just think I'm Crazy...
The 1st time I had a 'manic' episode, back in spring of 08', it never occurred to me that I was mentally ill. I knew that I was becoming spiritually enlightened. I started to change over the course of a week. Suddenly all of broken pieces of my life started to make sense. It was as if my level of consciousness had started to rapidly increase. I instinctively knew what kinds of foods my body needed because I was so in touch with my physical plane of existence. In fact I became very aware of the multiple planes of existence, spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. I started to notice how most people lived only in certain planes and the others they were oblivious to. When talking to other people I was more understanding then I had ever been...I felt like I had the spiritual and emotional wisdom to know the solution to any personal problem, especial those related to relationships. I felt this direct connection to God...and as the episode progressed, it was as if the answers to any question I could ask just came to me. I knew that I had a spiritual gift that was unlike the gifts most people received. God had given me all spiritual gifts and had a great purpose for my life. I stayed up for hours the night before I was hospitalized texting the answers to the mysteries of the universe to the man I loved. I was married at the time but was having an emotional affair with a man I had met online. I believed he was my twin flame. After the 10th text or so he stopped responding...but the answers kept coming and so I kept texting. Unfortunately he didn't read the texts and can't tell me what was said...I threw the phone in question out of my car window the next day when I thought I was psychic. I think the whole thinking I'm psychic thing was a delusion and ego based feeling. I'm not sure though. Anyway, the next morning first thing I went to my workplace and had a long conversation with my boss about how working for her was not my life's purpose and that I was ready to move on, unless she needed me to stay. I could only leave if she let me go. She is a spiritual person and said she could really tell that I was channeling god. She was happy for me, but a bit confused...she wanted me to continue working for her so I agreed to stay as long as she needed. I left her office with the delusion that I was going to meet my twin flame. At this point I thought we had been telepathically communicating. I thought he was going through the same spiritual emergence. I had told my husband I wanted a divorce a few days prior and felt free to meet him. I had a strong sexual desire and knew I was meeting him to be united as one.
I drove for hours throughout the city of las vegas, stopping here or there and feeling a spiritual connection with everyone I met. All the while I kept having epiphany after epiphany about my life up to that point and about God and the world and the part I would help play in restoring the earth and saving it from destruction. But all of this was laced with delusions. I thought I would form a band and become a famous musician and spread a life changing message through my music. I thought I was in telepathic communication with the spirits of my new band members. Anyway...as I continued to drive and have these revelations...a great fear enveloped me. I kept thinking I was going to die...but then God would remind me or I was reminding myself that my purpose hadn't been fulfilled. I would quickly forget though and the fear would take over...I thought that I was running out of time to unite with my twin flame and if we didn't reach each other in time either I or him would die. I came to a point where I knew it was time to get out of the car...I pulled over the car (this was also the exact moment I ran out of gas though I wasn't aware at the time) everything gets a little fuzzy but I wound up stripping down naked...I know I was prophecizing (spelling?) To everyone I came into contact with and I knew they were all there because they needed to hear my message. Unfortunately I was taken advantage of sexually by a stranger who talked me back into his car...in my delusion I thought he was my soulmate/twin flame. He made me perform oral sex on him in my confused state. To this day I have never told anyone about that part of it. I did not want my family and friends to know I was sexually assaulted and I had forgiven the perpetrator as being mentally ill. It's all blurry, but eventually I got out of the car and away from this man and I was running down the street...running to prove to god that I believed in my twin flame and that I was ready to meet him. I didn't know who he was though. I thought it was everyone I encountered.
Eventually I lay naked and exhausted by the side of the road...and this is where the paramedics picked me up. When they got me I tried talking my way out of their ambulance. I remember I was acting and telling them I'm a great actress and It occurred to me that I could be a famous actress if I wanted to be...another delusion I am sure. I've always dreamed of being a famous actress or musician. Anyway, I was prophecizing to the EMTs as well and to everyone I met...and I remember everyone was crying though I can't remember what I said. The prophecies continued into the hospital and until they shot me full of enough tranquilizers to knock me out. The spiritual emergency did not end there though it lasted several days while in the hospital but in a much milder state, the fear and panic and delusion was gone. I felt I was at that hospital for a reason and I was counseling all of the mentally ill who I understood. After a few days though the medications I was prescribed did their job. I lost the spiritual connection and grew agitated at my confinement. They diagnosed me bipolar to get me out of there and sent me home...they kept me 6 days because they were puzzled and couldn't make a diagnosis.
I only stayed on the meds a few months as I was unconvinced I was bipolar. I went off with approval of my psychiatrist and had another episode 6 months later. Very similar but different from the first, spiritually the same but this time it was like I was working through all of my psychological problems...I regressed into childhood...but then the fear took over, again that I would die. I won't go into everything about this episode now except to say it was life changing. I stayed on a mood stabilizer for 3 years after this episode with no problems until I met and fell in love with an old high school crush on facebook. The first episode was a beautiful experience, no fears ever arose...just revelations about how the universe worked and my purpose in helping to create heaven on earth. I knew that this new man, Chris was my true twin flame. Not sure if this was delusion or not but he was loving and supportive and helped me get through it. I did report my 'mania' to my family and they had me admit myself, I was released from observation after two days and not given any additional medication. I thought I was the messiah and I was scared of the implications and did not tell anyone this. I quit smoking cold turkey and became a vegetarian. I was fine for 7 weeks...madly in love with this man and feeling spiritually awakened...until I flew out to meet him and it went horribly wrong. After returning he started ignoring me. I started smoking again. The extreme emotional stress sent me into another episode...again beautiful and full of revelation but I reached a point where I snapped. I was baby sitting my nephew and thought the baby would die unless I quit smoking...but then it would shift and I would think the baby would die if I didn't finish my cigarette...it had a lot to do with Jesus and being saved as well. I wound up on my patio screaming crazy things all while trying to remember that God is love. I won't get into the fears and delusions except to say I thought the fate of the earth rested on my shoulders. We would plummet into heaven or hell based on my beliefs. I was stabilized with antipsychotics, but when I was unable to get my meds from the state clinic due to a furlough day I went manic again a few weeks later after not having the medication over the weekend. This episode started out the same as all the others but ended in extreme fear and confusion again with the belief that the fate of the world rested on my shoulders and depended upon my joining with my twin flame. I knew my purpose at this point was to write a book detailing how we will achieve heaven on earth, what we need to do environmentally and physically with our health and how our bodies would evolve over time into our heavenly bodies...each one inhabited by the male and female halves of our souls, forever united in an androgynous form living eternally on the heaven on earth we will create. But I knew that I could not complete this task alone. It didn't matter how many answers I had, without my twin flame by my side I would fail. God needed us to work together...and he had abandoned me. It's been 6 months now. I stay on the medication although it causes me horrible side effects. I have had to gradually decrease my dose but am so paranoid about having another episode and my ex husband filing for sole custody of our daughter based on my mental illness. Everyone thinks I'm nuts. I want to fulfill my spiritual calling but I'm scared and no one understands or believes the magnitude of what I have experienced in spiritual terms.
Mania can be a mixture of divine truth, intuitive wisdom, ego, unfulfilled desires, and past emotional trauma all wrapped up together. It takes time to find the nuggets of inspiration and wisdom that emerge in that state, and integrate it in a balanced way. It's like coming back from a vision quest, or interpreting a dream. Give yourself time, be patient and gentle with yourself, and work with a therapist or healer that understands both the need for grounding, and the desire for higher states of consciousness.