They just think I'm Crazy...

by Jennifer
(Las Vegas)

The 1st time I had a 'manic' episode, back in spring of 08', it never occurred to me that I was mentally ill. I knew that I was becoming spiritually enlightened. I started to change over the course of a week. Suddenly all of broken pieces of my life started to make sense. It was as if my level of consciousness had started to rapidly increase. I instinctively knew what kinds of foods my body needed because I was so in touch with my physical plane of existence. In fact I became very aware of the multiple planes of existence, spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. I started to notice how most people lived only in certain planes and the others they were oblivious to. When talking to other people I was more understanding then I had ever been...I felt like I had the spiritual and emotional wisdom to know the solution to any personal problem, especial those related to relationships. I felt this direct connection to God...and as the episode progressed, it was as if the answers to any question I could ask just came to me. I knew that I had a spiritual gift that was unlike the gifts most people received. God had given me all spiritual gifts and had a great purpose for my life. I stayed up for hours the night before I was hospitalized texting the answers to the mysteries of the universe to the man I loved. I was married at the time but was having an emotional affair with a man I had met online. I believed he was my twin flame. After the 10th text or so he stopped responding...but the answers kept coming and so I kept texting. Unfortunately he didn't read the texts and can't tell me what was said...I threw the phone in question out of my car window the next day when I thought I was psychic. I think the whole thinking I'm psychic thing was a delusion and ego based feeling. I'm not sure though. Anyway, the next morning first thing I went to my workplace and had a long conversation with my boss about how working for her was not my life's purpose and that I was ready to move on, unless she needed me to stay. I could only leave if she let me go. She is a spiritual person and said she could really tell that I was channeling god. She was happy for me, but a bit confused...she wanted me to continue working for her so I agreed to stay as long as she needed. I left her office with the delusion that I was going to meet my twin flame. At this point I thought we had been telepathically communicating. I thought he was going through the same spiritual emergence. I had told my husband I wanted a divorce a few days prior and felt free to meet him. I had a strong sexual desire and knew I was meeting him to be united as one.


I drove for hours throughout the city of las vegas, stopping here or there and feeling a spiritual connection with everyone I met. All the while I kept having epiphany after epiphany about my life up to that point and about God and the world and the part I would help play in restoring the earth and saving it from destruction. But all of this was laced with delusions. I thought I would form a band and become a famous musician and spread a life changing message through my music. I thought I was in telepathic communication with the spirits of my new band members. Anyway...as I continued to drive and have these revelations...a great fear enveloped me. I kept thinking I was going to die...but then God would remind me or I was reminding myself that my purpose hadn't been fulfilled. I would quickly forget though and the fear would take over...I thought that I was running out of time to unite with my twin flame and if we didn't reach each other in time either I or him would die. I came to a point where I knew it was time to get out of the car...I pulled over the car (this was also the exact moment I ran out of gas though I wasn't aware at the time) everything gets a little fuzzy but I wound up stripping down naked...I know I was prophecizing (spelling?) To everyone I came into contact with and I knew they were all there because they needed to hear my message. Unfortunately I was taken advantage of sexually by a stranger who talked me back into his car...in my delusion I thought he was my soulmate/twin flame. He made me perform oral sex on him in my confused state. To this day I have never told anyone about that part of it. I did not want my family and friends to know I was sexually assaulted and I had forgiven the perpetrator as being mentally ill. It's all blurry, but eventually I got out of the car and away from this man and I was running down the street...running to prove to god that I believed in my twin flame and that I was ready to meet him. I didn't know who he was though. I thought it was everyone I encountered.

Eventually I lay naked and exhausted by the side of the road...and this is where the paramedics picked me up. When they got me I tried talking my way out of their ambulance. I remember I was acting and telling them I'm a great actress and It occurred to me that I could be a famous actress if I wanted to be...another delusion I am sure. I've always dreamed of being a famous actress or musician. Anyway, I was prophecizing to the EMTs as well and to everyone I met...and I remember everyone was crying though I can't remember what I said. The prophecies continued into the hospital and until they shot me full of enough tranquilizers to knock me out. The spiritual emergency did not end there though it lasted several days while in the hospital but in a much milder state, the fear and panic and delusion was gone. I felt I was at that hospital for a reason and I was counseling all of the mentally ill who I understood. After a few days though the medications I was prescribed did their job. I lost the spiritual connection and grew agitated at my confinement. They diagnosed me bipolar to get me out of there and sent me home...they kept me 6 days because they were puzzled and couldn't make a diagnosis.

I only stayed on the meds a few months as I was unconvinced I was bipolar. I went off with approval of my psychiatrist and had another episode 6 months later. Very similar but different from the first, spiritually the same but this time it was like I was working through all of my psychological problems...I regressed into childhood...but then the fear took over, again that I would die. I won't go into everything about this episode now except to say it was life changing. I stayed on a mood stabilizer for 3 years after this episode with no problems until I met and fell in love with an old high school crush on facebook. The first episode was a beautiful experience, no fears ever arose...just revelations about how the universe worked and my purpose in helping to create heaven on earth. I knew that this new man, Chris was my true twin flame. Not sure if this was delusion or not but he was loving and supportive and helped me get through it. I did report my 'mania' to my family and they had me admit myself, I was released from observation after two days and not given any additional medication. I thought I was the messiah and I was scared of the implications and did not tell anyone this. I quit smoking cold turkey and became a vegetarian. I was fine for 7 weeks...madly in love with this man and feeling spiritually awakened...until I flew out to meet him and it went horribly wrong. After returning he started ignoring me. I started smoking again. The extreme emotional stress sent me into another episode...again beautiful and full of revelation but I reached a point where I snapped. I was baby sitting my nephew and thought the baby would die unless I quit smoking...but then it would shift and I would think the baby would die if I didn't finish my cigarette...it had a lot to do with Jesus and being saved as well. I wound up on my patio screaming crazy things all while trying to remember that God is love. I won't get into the fears and delusions except to say I thought the fate of the earth rested on my shoulders. We would plummet into heaven or hell based on my beliefs. I was stabilized with antipsychotics, but when I was unable to get my meds from the state clinic due to a furlough day I went manic again a few weeks later after not having the medication over the weekend. This episode started out the same as all the others but ended in extreme fear and confusion again with the belief that the fate of the world rested on my shoulders and depended upon my joining with my twin flame. I knew my purpose at this point was to write a book detailing how we will achieve heaven on earth, what we need to do environmentally and physically with our health and how our bodies would evolve over time into our heavenly bodies...each one inhabited by the male and female halves of our souls, forever united in an androgynous form living eternally on the heaven on earth we will create. But I knew that I could not complete this task alone. It didn't matter how many answers I had, without my twin flame by my side I would fail. God needed us to work together...and he had abandoned me. It's been 6 months now. I stay on the medication although it causes me horrible side effects. I have had to gradually decrease my dose but am so paranoid about having another episode and my ex husband filing for sole custody of our daughter based on my mental illness. Everyone thinks I'm nuts. I want to fulfill my spiritual calling but I'm scared and no one understands or believes the magnitude of what I have experienced in spiritual terms.

b>Ben's Answer:

Mania can be a mixture of divine truth, intuitive wisdom, ego, unfulfilled desires, and past emotional trauma all wrapped up together. It takes time to find the nuggets of inspiration and wisdom that emerge in that state, and integrate it in a balanced way. It's like coming back from a vision quest, or interpreting a dream. Give yourself time, be patient and gentle with yourself, and work with a therapist or healer that understands both the need for grounding, and the desire for higher states of consciousness.

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Apr 24, 2017
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100% Relate-able
by: Casi

Jennifer, thank you for sharing your story.
I experienced my first episode last year and am still trying to make sense of it all. Reading your story and other peoples comments relating to it helped to make me feel less alone. I found your story to be quite similar to my experience (public nudity, belief in a twin flame...). Anyways, thank you so much for sharing. This is my first time writing about my experience...and I wouldn't have if not for your post.
Once again, thank you so much.
Wishing you all the best,
Casi

Nov 29, 2015
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Seeker of answers
by: Anonymous

So, is the twin flame thing bipolarity?

Ben's answer:

That's a vague question, but no, twin flames have nothing to do with being bipolar. There are many who have reason to believe they are in a twin-flame relationship and it certainly does not mean that either person is bipolar. On the other hand, a person experiencing mania could easily experience a delusion that they are a twin flame. In that case, it's not likely that the feeling will last in the long term. Only time will tell what the reality is.

Nov 22, 2014
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spiritual experienes
by: sheryl

I have had 3 mania episodes in the last 5 years and it felt spiritual. In 2009 it started in april and lasted through november and ended when I was put in the hospital. I fell into a deep depression for 2 years and tried to kill myself numerous times. In 2012 it started again in april and lasted through October. I am a recovering opiate addict and my husband took me for drug tests that I passed because he thought I relapsed. I fell into another depression that wasn't as deep as the 1st one. I went through a traumatic experience the end of march this year and started another spiritual, manic type of behavior that ended in September and now I'm fighting depression again. It feels like God lifts me up into this awesome spiritual place for a few months and then He leaves me and I feel despondent. Any help would be awesome. My email is sherylhenry42@gmail.com. please I feel so alone in this. I am 47 years old. I know I'm not bipolar. I have 5 awesome kids and 3 grandbabies. I have nothing to be depressed about except I suffer chronic pain from the deformity scoliosis has caused. It sucks but I'm used to it. Any helpful comments will be greatly appreciated.

Oct 03, 2014
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Wow
by: Susie

So descriptive. I'm also bipolar and been hospitalized and totally identify with your experiences.

Oct 01, 2014
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Great Writing!
by: Andrea

Thank you for sharing!

Jul 25, 2014
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Thanks for your replies!
by: Jennifer

Thanks everyone who had responded to this. I'm glad my experience was able to either validate yours or help you in some way. In the past few years I have made great strides in learning to integrate my "illness" and the "spiritual emergence" and try not to label on it. The truth is there was profound truth in my experience, and there was also fear and delusion present...in the end I came out better and stronger. I now realize it is not my purpose or mission to single handedly save the whole world or do anything amazing for humanity, I am content doing my part just being authentic and living in the present moment...I believe this is how you make the biggest impact...follow your inspiration and do what feels right and good for yourself and the path will unfold in perfect timing. I hope you are all well.

Jul 25, 2014
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Wow
by: Anonymous

Thank you for posting this. This is almost to a tee my experience. This really validates a lot of things for me. I don't think I am BP either but I know if I don't stay on meds I will be hospitalized. I had a history of mania / psychosis years ago and then nothing for 10 years. I got involved with Reiki and all my subconscious pain surfaced and I had Twin Flame revelations that were so real and all the synchronicities it was amazing. My family and friends think it is delusional. IMO it is a true awakening and perhaps partly delusional. But thanks for your story. My experience is VERY similar.

Jun 26, 2012
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Me too
by: Adam Ember

So much of your experience is similar to mine. A mix of profound, cosmic insight or delusion and nonsensical delirium. I dont know whether i was channeling the Universal "Godhead" or making everything up. All i know is that my delusions gave me the heroic strength to quit smoking, eating meat and the use of a few other drugs cold turkey, all within a few days, as well as adjust a lot of negative personalty traits and behaviors and during my trance I felt no depression for the first time in almost 7 years. It was a blissful relief... That being said, it's 6 months since breaking out of my spiritual emergency, and i feel even more horribly depressed, confused, isolated and completely spiritually, emotionally and creatively arid.

I still don't smoke, do drugs or eat meat though. I think I am also kinder, humbler, calmer and more open to new experiences than i have been in many years.

Cant even begin to imagine what the future may hold for me but I try very hard to remain optimistic and hold the belief that i will someday, somehow find lasting peace within.

Cheers!

Jun 01, 2012
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yup
by: AllyD

wow thats really amazing thank you for posting that i know how you feel ...im 16 n iv had the same feelings that im the masiah or just someone ment to save teh world n spread my word but people just think im on drugs n nuts ...i think im bipolar n meeting with a psychatrists on wed to see if i am but yeah thanks (: xoxo allyson

Nov 21, 2011
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Thanks for sharing
by: Michael

I appreciate you sharing your story openly and honestly Jennifer. My episodes began in late 2007 and early 2008. We are spiritually sensitive individuals and there are a lot of us. Even if certain friends and family cannot understand us. There are those evolved beings that have copious amounts of love, compassion and encouragement. Be strong Sister. Take care of yourself the best that you can and find some people who will truly stand by your side and you will be in good stead. I'd also encourage you to continue to connect to God/dess in the ways that work best for you just ensure that you are connecting in a grounded way. Be well and be strong Jennifer. : )

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