The seeds of Good and Evil
All my life I was a high achiever. From a very early age I was at the top of my class, winning everything I set my mind to. Often effortlessly. By the age of 30 I was married and had a great career in finance, working as a researcher. Our key job is to simply interpret lots of different sources of information and accurately predict the future, this is to be equity price at an exact data point or behavior of a part of society. It requires constant monitoring of information, understanding how specific events affect the sample I am monitoring. Then it is all about connecting the dots, sometimes seeing patterns where none can. This is what makes you really good at it. At one stage I was monitoring 19 countries and 10 brands in each. Your brain does not switch off. I know mine didn't.
Sadly my whirlwind career was masking a very abusive relationship I was in. After being emotionally abused for years and feeling depressed after the birth of my son, I reached my breaking point.
One night, I ran out of my house bare feet, in -16 temperature, thinking that my husband was the devil.
Two weeks that led to this incident where filled with finding patterns in data. As someone wrote here earlier. I knew the world was decaying and people indeed where sheep ( my whole career was based on the fact I could accurately predict human behavior at the aggregated level) so it was not a question if it was real or accurate. I occupied myself with finding the proof. During that time, what later was diagnosed as a manic episode, I was tracing money of big corporations and people who owned them, being particularly occupied with their dates of birth and numerology. The more proof I possessed about elite being born with so cold master numbers, which are 11, 22 and 33 the more I got convinced someone orchestrated it. As a mathematician I knew what are the probabilities of those people being born with those numbers and hence became obsessed with it. I convinced myself that there are good and bad seeds at play in the world, the ones born with master numbers who fight against each other. Just like it was predicted in the bible, there will be constant war of good and evil. I was born a Roman Catholic so hell played a significant part in my upbringing hence I am not surprised why devil & God appeared in my psychosis. Or was it an awakening with a message?
Throughout the whole episode I had an amazing insight. I personally called my brother and said I am going mad and conducted some long conversations about what I found in my research. He is a lawyer and one key element of my research was history and how facts where connected. He really listened and agreed with lots I said, now I am thinking he didn't want to believe or admit to himself I could have been going mad. He was only surprised how I obtained all this information. Or even became more perplexed why I occupied my mind with history, subject I often mocked him about. He didn't want to believe I read up about all this information in the past week. It took him years. I was wired. I felt whatever I read I remembered.
Throughout that time I had visions, vivid dreams and messages. My thoughts were running fast, but it felt to some degree, as I would be observing myself as a third person. Imagine that on Friday I won a project for £2.5million, pitching my brain to my client and on Monday I voluntarily admitted myself to the Priory. The reason I decided to go to the hospital is because I wanted drugs to stop what was happening to me. At the end I was scared for myself. I have seen and heard things I should not have. I felt as if developed a capability to recognise the good and bad seed in people. I remember sitting on the train and reading the bible. I have always done that for years, mentioning it here, as some people are drawn to the bible during manic episodes. Whilst I am minding my own business, telepathically I hear a voice in my head saying that the bible will not help me. It said to raise my head and look at him. In front of me was sitting a man, who I recognized. We often traveled together but never spoke. When I looked into his eyes I saw something so terrifying and scary that wanted to scream. But I didn't. I composed myself and waited for my stop. I felt his gaze and when we left the train he walked next to me, I felt being intimidated. I heard him in my head telling me "Just scream now so they can finally lock you up". Let me reiterate that throughout those incidents I still showed up at work and did my job. My department was convinced I was hit by a bus when they heard I was hospitalized. No one believed I went to a mental institution.
Anyway the key messages from my manic episode where about Syria & Egypt and that it will be the beginning of the end, Poland being in danger because of Russia and FB being used as a tool to classify and prosecute people in the future (what I mean by prosecute is to develop proven algorithm that determines that a person which liked or shared certain content have a higher probability of committing a certain crime) and that we are being watched. My brother thought I will have another melt down when he watched Snowden in the news. I didn't. As a researcher I knew FB has always been a gold mine of information and genius in its own right. In communism governments needed to tap phones and incentivised neighbors to turn on each other. Today we give them everything on the platter.
I spent two weeks at the Priory, went back to work after 7 weeks (forced leave) and have not looked back. It has been 3.5 years since the incident and I am ok. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and for the first year taken Olanzopine. I am not taking any medication for the past 2.5 years ( I always have it with me though) just in case of psychosis or when my abusive husband is getting out of hands I then take it as it helps me to stay calm.
I often wonder what that whole episode was about. I continue with my life as if it never happened. Only sometimes recall the situation trying to understand the underlying meaning of it.
Who really knows? I don't understand quantum physics. One thing I know is what we consider as real, is because we can touch it and smell it. This is nothing else but an electromagnetic impulse that tells our brain it is so. When we look at the smallest particle we know it is 99.9% made of air and only 0.01% is mass. So therefore does not it mean that we don't really exist? Or we are made of air? I don't think we ever really find out.
In the meantime in order to fit in the sheep society, we need to do what we are told and hope that this spiritual world we touched when manic is not for real. If it is we are truly wasting our time here on Earth.
God Bless. Stay healthy and out of FB. Instead Call and meet your friend or loved one. Go to the nature and practice mindfulness. It will do you a lot of good whether you believe you went mad or not.
Thank you for sharing your experience Jo. Wishing you good health, peace and continued positive growth on your path.
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