Shattered into the Light part II
My stomach burns within and I have no desire for food, yet I am led to sit and eat, even if a small amount, to sustain the body. I try to describe what I am experiencing to my family but see dark curtains of fear draw across their hope. I go about my days, monitoring my words and deeds for any symptom of insanity. I am able to attend all classes and hand in all assignments. I am able to carry on in conversation without bringing suspicion upon myself, though I notice the emotional impact of the dancing thought forms is to large to easily escape my throat and so words get caught. People seem to notice something is different, though it is more a positive interest than fear. Except to my family, I tell no one of the radiating splendor that is sears my mind.
I hear a song on the radio. It is the Cure. I can’t stop weeping because of the anguish expressed within the song. I wish only for all to awaken into awareness of the perfection of Life; to awaken from the delusion of selfhood that enfolds itself with misery. I cannot speak these things. So I write. Every day, down in the computer lab, I type for hours on end. I’ve soon written a book that nears two hundred pages.
I am over a week into the experience and my feeble frame of dust is beginning to fail under the force and brilliance of the inner burning sun. I am weeping more and more and exhausted both emotionally and physically. Yet the power is relentless and knows no boundary. And I am still alive with ineffable joy. So clear can I see the Pattern of Patterns dictating all of life into being, I am now able to see and predict the future. I know that I am to be a prophet to announce a new vision of reality which will usher in an era of peace and goodwill across the globe. Events will be orchestrated towards my blessing and success. I will be lifted up into the eyes of all to announce a new global self-government using the internet and bypassing corrupt officials and crippled institutions. My father’s company Tandem, will host the new internet system and global government. Oppressed people will be liberated and the voice of all will be heard. The sign that will assure me of the validity of all of this is that the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers will obtain first place in the NBA finals. I am born in Philadelphia because it is the city of Brotherly Love. I can buy a lottery ticket and it will win…providing me the funds I need to accomplish my given goals of creating a new world government and describing a new theology in which the modern individual can see the unity and perfection of all life and so find peace.
I am upstairs. I hear my sister, Mandy, is crying. I move towards the stairs. Father, mother and Mandy are talking about me. They are scared.
My ticket doesn’t win. Neither do the Sixers.
I now know that my revelation is not fully coherent, fully sane. Besides, I am ravaged by the burning fiery furnace within and can stand no more. I bow down and pray for the return to normal. That night, I sleep well and wake up "normal" but also depressed.
Did my meditating precipitate the experience or does my meditation moderate my volitile mood and destructive and foolish impulses enough to have allowed me to remain functional thus far?
I have followed those instructions to dedicate my life to the betterment of those who are downtrodden. But for 18 years since that experience, I have had a rough road. Some weeks I'll have 5 new grand ideas each day for saving the world and then a week later I'll sink into low-grade depression as I realize how unobtainable the goals are. I have never again been as fully manic as described, and I am able to function over and above the pull of depression. I meditate, exercise and I do lots of metacognition to counter both extremes. But ten days ago, I decided I needed medication. I never knew if I was bipolar or had had a genuine spiritual experience and continued to be driven by that experience. My family of origin believe I am bipolar. When I told my wife I was going to start medicine, she said, "That's good." So I guess those are good indicators. I don't want to mute my spiritual sensitivity with medicine. But I feel that I am not doing well enough without medication. I am too volatile and mercurial. I have too many impulses towards very harmful activities which I am tired of battling against. So if a medicine can make me a better person to those around me, I will submit. I wish I lived in a society that celebrated the ONENESS I have experienced and wish to live. I think then I could live without medication.
One of the most beautifully described altered-state experience I've ever read. Truly inspiring and full of deep spiritual truth. The difficulty with any revelatory or altered-state experience, is that we must return from that state and integrate what insights and truths we have learned. You describe the experience of great yogi's and saints. But we all have an ego-self and it is only the rarest among us who can remain established in such an elevated state. And as you so clearly described, elements of the ego, inaccuracies and distortions can easily infiltrate one's vision. That's when people start calling you crazy. I hope you will continue to write and share these powerful experiences. It is not a failure to take medication. See how it affects you and if it is preferable to the way things have been. You might also want to consider trying TrueHope, which has been quite effective for many.
Wishing you Peace and Balance,