Screwed up and open to suggestions
I have not been diagnosed with depression, but I know the signs. Besides the obvious such as not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, see anybody, the hopelessness and physical issues, I find myself crying for no reason. It doesn't matter when or where but it happens at least twice a day. For example...I was watching a comedy with my husband the other day and I just got this overwhelming urge to cry. I used to try to hide it from my husband, but I finally told him and I try to make a joke of it by saying something like "dang allergies" although I don't feel funny or happy when I say it. There is so much more to it that I feel is stemming from depression or SOMETHING...I don't know. Like for example I hate myself. I really really hate myself. Sometimes I would rather just rather cease to exist, then to wake up being the person I see in the mirror everyday. I despise the way I look, I despise the way I talk and the things I do. I have no friends and honestly I can't really blame people for not wanting to befriend me. I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things and no one ever laughs at my jokes.
I am obese, a type 2 diabetic and a smoker. I can't stop the destructive things that I do to myself. I eat whatever I want with no regards to the diabetes...and I can't stop. I know what I need to do and I know I need to be taking my medicine and seeing a doctor but I just can't. My aunt died of cancer caused by cigarettes. The cancer started in her lungs and then traveled to her brain; every time I smoke a cigarette I think of her and I think of what I'm doing to myself. But I can't quit. I've tried going 2 days without a cigarette and I hate the person I become. I am mean to my husband (actually cruel sometimes) and I am paranoid and anxious. I know it's because nicotine is a "drug" but I honestly can't quit. I'm afraid to quit. I feel like if I quit I will have nothing. Just like with the not so diabetic friendly foods, I feel like I will have nothing and I will be an outcast.
I can't finish anything. I will start something and it will never be finished. It has become a joke with me (just like everything else) that it's my signature trait: I start things and I don't finish them and that's the way I like it, but that's not true. I hate that. Why can't I quit the things that are killing me and finish the things that are good for me?
Can you tell me what is wrong with me? Can you point me in the right direction?
What I hear, is a lot of "hating" going on - hating yourself, hating your behavior, your appearance, your addiction to cigarettes...
The more you fight against what you hate, the more negativity your actually create for yourself and you just dig a deeper hole.
Positive focus is what you need to get out of the hole. It can be anything. Doesn't have to start with quiting smoking (probably the hardest thing of all for you right now). Positive experiences, and positive feelings attract more positives. Of course, you have to make a change - you have to do something different that what you have been doing.
I suggest you start with meditation. Yes, it may feel like another one of those things that you "can't make yourself do." And you might not find it easy to sit and be still as you just watch your mind with all it's negative thoughts. But if you use a guided meditation and listen to it daily - you don't have to "do" anything. Just sit there - or lie down (unless you will fall asleep), and just listen to it - every day, for at least 30 days. If you do just that one thing - I guarantee it will benefit you.
This is one of the best ways to start caring for yourself and even.... loving yourself (despite all your "unlovable" habits). You've got to get out of the negative feedback loop you are in.
I also highly recommend trying EFT/Meridian Tapping to help yourself - but given your current state, I think you might give up on that too easily, and it would be easier to start with meditation. Both would be best actually.
This Guided Meditation for Depression is a good one to start with. I recommend doing the full hour - every day - for 30 days.
(If you really do this for 30 days and nothing has changed for the better, I'll give you a full refund).
Ben Schwarcz, MFT