Newlywed Sexual Issues

by susan
(washington)

I'm a newlywed, we've been together for two and a half years, just married a year ago, and we've got a great realationship, minus the sex life. we started as casual sexual partners, and the sex life was amazing, but after a couple of months, when things started to get serious the sex life started to dwindle, he insists it's not me, but he starts to loose his errection, and more then 90% of the time, he doesn't ejaculate. I don't like being a selfish lover, and try everything I can to satisfy him, but he says he's content and fulfilled with just holding me, so for the past year our average has been once a month twice if I'm lucky, I've nagged for more sex, but when it's just a chore for him, it defeats the purpose. I've given him herbal pills to help increase testosterone, gave him a cialis, and he's not even willing to try them. He's military so will be gone for almost a year, and the depression and frustration stemming from this issue has taken me to counseling, but I want to know if this is somewhat normal, or if there's hope to fix the problem, I have a very high sex drive for a female, and to see him have no interest in me, but have that instant spark for any other female really makes me wonder. I'm bi and we have tried a threesome, with disasterous results, she was great, but he had plenty of drive for her, but he didn't last 5 mins for me, and didn't even try again all weekend. Family says I should consider divorce, but I'm still in love, still want to try and find a compromise or solution.

Ben's Answer:

There are several possible issues going on here. First of all, it's fairly common for men (and women) to only get turned on when the relationship is new and there is no intimacy or love involved. Then it's just sex without any deeper feelings. Often when a relationship starts with casual sex, this is the result. Because what brought you together at first was sexual attraction and not a deeper connection, even if you honestly do love each other now. It's easy to get stuck in that kind of relationship pattern - especially if he was sexually active at an early age and has a long history of sexual encounters. Then sex and love can become incompatible. It's either one or the other. Once you respect and really care for someone, the lust is gone, and there's no turn on.

In most cases of sexual dysfunction, it is stress, fear, or performance anxiety that is at the root of it. If your husband is military, I'm assuming he's already served; and you say he's going to leave for a year. That alone is an enormous stress. Any combat trauma can easily cause these problems, as well as the thought of going back into combat. He may be totally unaware of these deeper issues and fears. Even if totally unconscious in his mind, it will have an immediate effect on the body.

He may be afraid to develop a deeper, more intimate connection with you, for fear of then losing you. These fears may be irrational, but can still seem totally valid to the subconscious mind.
If you had such an intense sexual connection in the beginning, and he truly loves you, then he may be unconsciously holding back because if he really opened up to you completely it would be overwhelmingly painful for him to then leave you. Having an intense heart connection with the same person that he's sexually intimate with may be an experience he's never had in his life. And no matter how tough a guy may be on the outside, this scares the crap out of most men.

Just talking about this with him about these things might help. These issues could probably be resolved easily with a good couple's therapist. Or if he's willing to try Meridian Tapping/EFT, it's very likely that he could resolve his equipment problem quickly on his own (or with your guidance). Meridian Tapping is an excellent way to quickly eliminate unconscious, self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings that are causing problems in your life.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT

Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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