My wife says nothing is going on.

by Dave
(Arizona)

My wife says there is nothing going on between her and a male co-worker but, she has been working late a lot lately and she did not tell me about them going out for drinks together a few weeks ago. When I found out she just flatly said, I didn't think it was a big deal and added that there was also another female from work with them. I don't know how to confirm the facts without confronting the other parties, who may or may not tell me the truth. I have lost trust in my wife and don't know how to forgive her and move on. Should I pursue the issue or just let it go and try to deal with the feelings of betrayal?

Ben's Answer:

You have to find your own balance between not being controlling or possessive, yet feeling trust and security in your marriage. If you have real reasons to be suspicious then you shouldn't have to deal with that all by yourself.

Don't try to police your wife's activities. Examine your relationship with her. Ask yourself why you don't trust she's being honest with you. What's the quality of your relationship? How much emotional intimacy is there in your relationship? Can you look each other in the eye and talk openly about the things that matter most to you? Can you share you deepest feelings with each other?

Affairs almost always happen when things are lacking at home. If there's a wall between you, you need to work on that, and not just focus on your mistrust and your suspicions about what she's doing after work. And maybe she needs to make a little extra effort to come home and spend more time with you. Some sacrifices might need to be made on both sides.

Affairs can also take many forms. An emotional affair can be just as hurtful to a relationship. If there is loss of trust between you, then you have to talk about it until something changes. If after really working on it together, you still can't let go of those insecurities, then maybe there's something for you to resolve within yourself, that has nothing to do with her.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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