My Mother Needs Help!

by kimmy
(newport, tn)

... or maybe I do. My mom drives me crazy! I've tolerated her silently for 27 years because voicing my feelings would do nothing but cause her to verbally assault me, but I'm at my boiling point. She grew up in a VERY abusive home, and is a troubled adult. She is controlling (if I do something she disapproves of, such as have a glass of wine, she won't speak to me for a couple days or begins quoting the Bible). She is hateful and moody (I walk on eggshells, never knowing when she's going to go off over something I didn't realize was an issue). She also guilts me into doing her housework (she's only in her late 40s and healthy)and shopping. She has been through five marriages, and has no friends. She makes friends, but as soon as any little mishap occurs, she's done with them.

I don't know why, but a heaviness weighs on me all the time. I worry about this stuff constantly. If she gets mad at me and yells, I literally worry about it until I vomit.

Please help...

Ben's Answer:

You should listen to your body and your feelings. The mind will always confuse you and cause inner conflict -- but your body/energy body knows the truth. When you react with this sick feeling, that actually makes you vomit whenever your mom gets mad and yells at you, it is a clear sign that this is a toxic relationship.

It is no different than when your body tries to rid itself of some bad food or toxic substance by vomiting. Your guilt and worry are keeping you enslaved in this unhealthy relationship, and enabling your mother to continue to use and abuse you emotionally.

If you're getting to your boiling point, as you say, then you would do well to respect that feeling of anger in you and use it to serve your highest good. Use it to detach from your mother and stop taking responsibility for her problems, and her healing. She has to do it for herself. Anger can be a great motivator.

You can still love your mother from a distance, but you have to take care of yourself first or you serve neither yourself, or her best interests. It is not selfish to take care of yourself this way. And the truth is, you will help your mother the most by not participating with in her hateful abusive behavior.

If you live with her, and can't physically get away from your mother, then detach emotionally, and invest your time and energy in doing the things that make you happy and feed your soul. Don't give energy to her negativity by trying to change her, or by worrying about your relationship with her.

If you find that this is impossible, then you may have to get some real distance between you and limit your contact.

Your own happiness is the best medicine for your mother and may even heal the relationship without even trying.

Take Care,

Ben Schwarcz