I need desperate help

by Mark
(United Kingdom)

5 years ago, I did something that I hate myself for. I was 10/11 years old (Year 6 at British schools) (I'm 16 now) and I had never experienced sex education and nobody had ever talked to me about sex. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age(10/11), I was fascinated with it (I didn't know why at the time) especially when people touched each other. I wanted to try it for myself but everyone I did it to someone, they got angry and told me never to do it again (I even tried it on my Gran, but when I think of this, I just giggle because I remember it as a VERY awkward moment). I then tried it on my 5 year old, male cousin (without knowing what I was doing), it only ever happened a few times (2-3), (I never touched his private parts or touched him with my mouth.). I then found out what I had done a few months later in sex education lessons at school. I could not live with myself, I was very close to suicide (I had written a letter for someone to find next to my body), but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept thinking about my Mum and Dad and I knew I owed them better. For the rest of this year, I wrapped myself in a ball and I tried not to communicate with anyone other than my close relatives and because of this, I was bullied at school very badly. After this year, however, I forgot about it, but just recently, I have remembered and I hate myself for it once again. I can only think about the guilt, I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick and I can't eat anything with being physically sick (I have just got back off a holiday in which I spewed every time food was placed in front of me).

I am 100% sure that I am not gay and I have had several girlfriends (nothing very serious as yet though), I have also lost my virginity to a girlfriend and experienced the thrill of being in a relationship with a girl that means a lot to me. I have also experienced the joy of watching a child grow up from birth and being a large part of their life (my other cousin on the other side of the family even though he is only 1 year old at the minute).
Touching children in that way again makes me feel sick to the bone, I think that people who do this whilst knowing what they are doing should be locked away and the key thrown away, but sometimes, I struggle to draw a line between them and me.
I have however talked to a Priest about this and I am now Religious, but I cannot take back the past. The Priest seemed very forgiving, but this is his job after all. I have taken a lot of comfort in thinking that someone is always looking down at me and caring about me. I am very scared of what people will think of me when they find out what I have done.
Do I deserve a second chance and can you give me any tips on how I can let go of this.
Thanks.


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Mar 12, 2017
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Forgiving Yourself
by: Ben

Hi Mark.
You were only 10 or 11 at this time. And you were not intending to do harm, nor were you really understanding what you were doing or feeling. Pornography is very harmful to young kids and very confusing for their sexual development.

You sound like a thoughtful, caring person with a conscience. Punishing yourself and carrying this load of guilt around is hurtful to yourself. It is unnecessary and pointless.

Talking to someone you can really trust - be it a therapist - or your priest can be a good way to relieve the guilt and shame. It may take some more time, not just one session.

I also recommend EFT (tapping). When used effectively, it can be extremely helpful in releasing things from the past. You might want to look for a skilled therapist or trained practitioner that uses EFT and can do it with you (although you can also try using it on your own).

Don't deprive the world of your goodness by punishing yourself and hiding yourself under a blanket of guilt. You were a child.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz

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