I Hate Myself for Loving My Therapist

by Lara
(Lebanon)

Hello, since I figured out and disclosed my transference feelings to my therapist, I'm confused if therapy will work for me like it did before. My therapist lessened my fears, yet I'm a little bit nervous, especially when I acknowledged my feelings. That was nerve-wracking... I feel so attached to her that I've wished I could spend more time with her. I love her so much, I'm afraid this will hinder the therapy process. The last few sessions there were major misunderstandings to deal with. Yet my therapist promises that she will help me overcome these issues. I just don't know why I feel this anxiety and I also do not know how to deal with her being away during conferences and holidays. I'm embarrassed... I hate myself :(

Ben's Answer:

Wow - you really ended that thought on a harsh note. Do you hate yourself for being attached to your therapist? Isn't that being a little hard on yourself? It's natural to develop a strong attachment to a therapist that you like. Depending on the issues that you have to work on in therapy, people will have various levels and types of attachments to their therapists. One person might often feel angry or frustrated with their therapist, and part of their healing may be to voice those feelings (and then see that their therapist doesn't criticize them, or hate them because of it). For another person, there might be a feeling of intense love, or desire to see their therapist - or a strong need to feel that you are important to your therapist. There is nothing shameful about that. A good therapist recognizes these issues, and helps you to learn to find that same love and acceptance within your own self. It's a process. It's good that you've started to open up to her about those "transference" feelings. Your honesty with her will help the healing process, and if painful, "embarrassing" feelings come up in the process, it's more 'grist for the mill' as they say. Just try to be gentle with yourself. These feelings are normal.

Meditation is another excellent way to help yourself between therapy sessions, as a way to learn to find a calm, content place within yourself. You can find an introductory Guided Meditation for Depression here.


Best wishes,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist