I cannot cry anymore
Well I can't cry, because I have this hard interior. Probably due to my parents abandoning me when I was 4, my grandparents always arguing everyday, I was the last person to hold to of my relatives hands before they passed. But in any of those situations i can't cry if I want to, or I act like everything is perfectly fine.
The fact that you want to cry and that you "act like" everything is fine, when it is not, tells me that you are aware that this hard shell around your emotions is not your natural state. The things we really long for, peace, love, happiness, belonging, acceptance, emotional freedom, are the things that are our deepest nature. Don't give up on yourself. It sounds like you have had a lot of early trauma, and that may need some deep work. It doesn't mean you will never access your emotions. Find a therapist or counselor that can work with you and be patient with yourself.
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