How can I stop crying every night?

by Stella C.
(Atlanta, Georgia)

Long story short- my parents physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me my entire life. I have been neglected, beaten, and demeaned. My father is bipolar and has multiple addictions. My brother is also bipolar and violent towards me all the time. My mother is bitter about her miserable life and she blames me for all her problems and takes all her anger out on me. No one in my family is happy.
On the flip side, our family is wealthy. Financially I have had no problems... with the exception of my parents refusing to let me eat at times and being locked out of the house. But food and shelter are usually constant. Everyone on the outside looking in thinks I have the perfect life... living in a million dollar house, with brand new cars, and all the gadgets and clothes in the world. But I haven't hugged my parents since I was 7... and no one in my house even acknowledges the other person.
Socially, I have a lot of friends. I'm popular at school, I am smart in class, I'm athletic and do sports year round... but my parents never ONCE went to any of my games, meets, tournaments, or cared about me and my activities at school. Never have they once helped me with my homework. I do everything myself for myself (as I should) but they take it for granted and instead of helping me or appreciating my independence they exploit it. Like when I took the SATS my parents would make sure that I did not sleep the night before, and before the first day of school they would purposely do something to upset me (whenever my mother sees me happy she gets angry and always intentionally finds a way to wipe the smile off my face).
No I am not paranoid, I am not exaggerating, I am not making anything up. Anyone and everyone who sees me thinks I have it made: academically, athletically, socially, and financially. But I cry every night. I can't help it. I don't want to, but every time I think about my life I just cry. Because I have everything in the world... except the one thing I need most: love. I distance myself from my friends- I never let them see me cry. And when I have reached out for help from my violent and abusive lifestyle it backfires (I called the police and they fined my parents $15 for domestic violence- what a joke!). I can't be in intimate relationships with other people because I can't stand the idea of caring about someone because no one in my life cares about me and I feel like I'd just get hurt. I can't see a therapist because my parents don't care enough about my mental state to allow me to do so, and I can't find a way to arrange that for myself at my age.
I cry and cry and cry every night- I can't stop. I cry because I feel like no one cares about me and that if I died no one would miss me. I feel like I have everything in the world going for me... but there's nothing that gives meaning to my life. I'm not suicidal in anyway but I am severely depressed. But after I cry my eyes out every night I always feel fine in the mornings and I go about my day as usual... but then at night when I realize that I have to put on a facade and lie to the whole world during the days just to get by I break down and cry. I can't stop crying and it's a problem. I need to stop crying but I don't know how. I have no idea what I can do to relieve my sadness... my emotional void from a lifelong of neglect... but I really need to know if there is anything I can do to stop crying every night. Because right now I feel like the only way I can be happy is if I could go back in time and relive my life with different parents in a non-abusive and loving home (which I can't do).

Ben's answer:

What a powerful person you must be, to have become so talented, insightful and expressive, while enduring so much pain in your family. You have my respect. Do you realize how much worse off you probably would be if WERE NOT crying as much as you do? (I know people in deep pain who can't cry even when they want to). But I understand how it can feel exhausting to cry buckets.

Erase your past - not possible? Actually it is possible. Your past only exists inside you. And you can learn reprogram your mind and put the past behind you. You may never get what you want from your family, but you can get the love you need from within your own heart, and from the friends you allow into your heart, as you learn to trust people. They will become your real family.

I do believe you when you say that your family sabotages your success and resents you when you're happy. Be happy anyway.

One of the best things you can do on your own to heal your pain and change your past is Meridian Tapping/EFT. You can learn to use this technique on your own and you can relieve all sorts of pain, often within minutes. It might help you to turn of the tears when you can't stop. It can also be extremely effective for letting go of all the horrible, upsetting memories of things that have happened to you, so that you don't replay them in your mind anymore.

I also highly recommend meditation as a way to get some inner peace that nobody can every take away from you. These are tools that can serve you for a lifetime and can change your life in amazing ways.

Never give up. You've made it this far. Your life is just beginning. Be gentle with yourself.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

P.S. The Hotlines page of this site lists many good free, confidential hotlines you can call anytime you just need someone to talk to. There is a child abuse hotline in there, and they should be able to give you some good support if you want it. Please call them if you ever are in danger.